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Sunday, October 20, 2013

100.8 FRNK FM

I'm proud of my weight. There's the thing no one wants to hear; the thing I "shouldn't" think or feel. Yep. I'm proud. And also guilty for how that looks and sounds. I think I'm grasping for anything I can say I do well. I wanted to be the best at recovery but I'm not. I suck at recovery. I'm good at being underweight. That's easy. It's the easiest.
I wish I liked anything as much as I hate me. To have to be around me all the time is painful which is why I'm constantly in a medicated haze. It makes life livable.
If my brain were a limb it would be oozing pus and goopy with infection. And maybe someone would've cut the infection out or amputated the limb. But brain problems don't work like that. I wish the sick part of my brain would be dug out at the root and thrown away. Maybe someday.
I don't actually want to die. I'm terrified of dying. I don't want to meet God and my ancestors knowing that I killed myself. I'm afraid that death will hurt. But at the same time I feel so stuck that there is no other word for what I want. I can't live this way, I don't want to live any other way. I don't want anything. I'm only content in my sleep, and only if it's dreamless. I hurt when I wake up. My body hurts. The space between my layers of skin hurt. My pores hurt. My veins ache. My eyes burn. I can't see. I don't see. And people snicker when I talk to something that's not there.
If only my life were more like 1983.
All these things would be more like they were at the start of me.
I don't even know what's happening right now... This can't be real life.

Selfish
Spoiled
Stupid
Lazy
Ungrateful
Ugly
Self centered
Pathetic
Quitter
Loser

You can't even hurt my feelings because every "mean" thing you're thinking is not only true, but I've already thought it at least once since you started reading this sentence.

5 comments:

  1. This makes me so sad. I've been here and there's still hope. Don't give up. Not sure if u remember me but ID love to be a listening ear and someone who understands who won't judge fb me or text or call please 2085691793.

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  2. I stumbled upon your blog months ago, and I find you so inspiring and relatable. It is heartbreaking to read that you are going through such a rough patch right now. Please remember, there is always hope, and there are a lot of people who love and care about you. You are not alone, and eventually you will get through this and be stronger then ever! Sending all my positive vibes your way.

    -Megan

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  3. You are a wonderful blogger and a caring individual. You know, most people going through what you are wouldn't attempt to raise money for a kid with cancer. But you are. And while you're going through a rough patch now, and I don't suffer from an eating disorder, I've found a lot of wisdom and inspiration from your blog. I also find your honesty refreshing in our current online world of facebook vacation posts and pinterest perfect photo spreads. So thank you.

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  4. Your blog is a mainstay for anyone trying to understand what a person like you is going through. Stay with us.

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  5. You are so much more than your body. You are God's hands, put on Earth to glorify him with your deeds and actions. You can make such a difference and make the world a better place for everyone to live in. You're doing that right now for a little boy named Beckham. There are so many people out there who need a champion, a hero, or someone who cares. And it's obvious that you care, and have so much love to offer, even if that love is offered freely to other people instead of yourself. Being selfless like that is so much worthier than being tall/short/old/young/white/black/thin/fat/smart/dumb/rich/poor/pretty/ugly or whatever other surface values we place on our existences. You have everything that really matters, and I hope you keep using it to make the world a better place. You are great.

    ReplyDelete