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Friday, October 18, 2013

A year ago today I walked into CFC and fell apart. I spent 5 months getting physically stronger and mentally saner. I felt ready to go when I left, but honestly I thought I could keep little bits of Frank and stay in recovery. I was wrong. Bits turned into pieces, which turned into chunks... And here I am a year later. Not back to square one, but definitely too close. I've learned so much and in a lot of ways I'm healthier. I can keep appointments and talk to people without totally losing it. I don't cry when I eat. I don't try to control what others eat (as much...). I fall asleep earlier and don't work out 4 hours a day... But I see where this is going.
I'm trying to get back to cfc if I can; for a "tune-up." I'm a pound away from being under 100 which is not ok. The Frank is proud. I'm embarrassed and ashamed I've let people down.
I'm not sure what I wanted to say in this blog, but I felt like I should commemorate my year-mark somehow.
I hope you'll all forgive my failings and celebrate the small improvements. Here's hoping next year will be better.

3 comments:

  1. Camilla, I love you. Keep fighting.

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  2. My heart goes out to you and your family. My wife has battled this for years. She just admitted into eating recovery of denver. My prayers are with you and my wife. There is always hope. Remember your family is always there to support you thru this trial....

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  3. My dear Camilla- I read your blog a lot. I can relate in soooo many ways. I have been down the eating disorder road and finally after 2 years of treatment (lot's of relapses, fighting with all I had, feeling discouraged because I should be better than I am) feel like I am in a good place. If there is one thing I can tell you it would be CELEBRATE those small triumphs. They might feel really small now but as time goes on they become the BIG things and you conquered them. Celebrate that you are still fighting. Fist pump it up. Have a dance party. Sing with abandon. Get your awesome on. Remember that you didn't get this way in a year. It was years in the making so be gentle with yourself and the time it takes to heal. Carry on warrior women the world needs you!

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