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Friday, September 13, 2013

My life-long Adolescence

The worst things about being emotionally retarded are:
1) knowing you have the emotional maturity and stability of a 12-year-old even though you look 30
2) annoying your own self all day long
3) watching your friends behave and knowing you're behind
4) watching your younger siblings become your emotional elders
5) wanting to change but not knowing how
6) knowing how to start change and realizing it could take years

And now you all know that I know I'm 12. I hate myself .


  1. Hi Camilla,

    As I read this my first reaction was "I wish she realized how important of a step it is to even recognize that her emotions may not match other aspects of her life"... My hope for you is that you can have some grace with yourself in this. To call yourself emotionally retarded and say you hate yourself is very strong wording. And I think that emotional maturity can manifest in different areas and you aren't delayed in all of them. And in reality, it is Frank, not you, who is messing with your emotions.

    To name a couple of places I think you have shown a great degree of maturity...
    1) You have the maturity to be brutally honest here on your blog. You share things that many people with EDs can't acknowledge to themselves, let alone to countless strangers.
    2) You showed great maturity when you decided to enter treatment, despite the fear and anxiety that came with it.

    Yes, it can take a long time to catch the lagging aspects of emotional maturity up. But, you don't know the time frame until you start working on it. Even though I've been in treatment for a long time, it wasn't until this year that I felt like my emotions that centered around my ED finally started to "grow up", and it actually has happened quite quickly once I really started putting treatment first and trying to give up control of all ED-related things to my treatment team.

    It's hard, but it's doable and ABSOLUTELY worth every ounce of effort, and every second (and hour and day and year) of time I put in.

    You are worthy of being happy and healthy (physically and emotionally), and you are worth everything and anything that it takes to get there. You are loved, and I think you are beautiful, courageous, brave, talented, and fully capable of recovery.

    Sending much love and prayers! Please be gentle to yourself-- there is no need to beat yourself up any more. Frank has already done that enough.

    Many blessings

  2. Would you hate someone else who was trying her best to be honest and to recover from a debilitating disorder? Be as kind and as compassionate to yourself as you would be to a dear friend.

  3. Dearest Camilla,
    It breaks my heart when I read your posts. You can beat this. No one ever said it would be easy, you yourself know that. But it is possible. There are two things I can definately tell you....first, Frank is the devil. Secondly, the devil is a liar. You are amazing, you are beautiful, and you are strong. Hang in there've got this.
    Sending love & prayers from Oklahoma.

  4. Have you heard of Louise L. Hay? She is the author of "You Can Heal Your Life".

    Her work has continued to help me throughout this journey called life. Healing and loving your inner child.

    Camilla, I've been following your blog for about a year now. Your illness is NOT you.

    Your 12 year old self who is very tender needs your help. Nurture her. Love her. Let her know that everything is going to be okay. She needs you.

    I care about you, Camilla. If you'd like to read some of Louise L. Haye's work, here is her website: