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Thursday, August 8, 2013

The Controversial Tourist

If the end goal was to sit at home alone and blog and miss out on social events then I may as well have stayed sick and died. Frankly it would've been much cheaper
A few weeks ago I was able to take a trip to Utah to see my dad for Father's Day and go to two soccer games for which he had tickets.

I never would've been able to make that trip without Ben, the guy I'd been dating since May.

 I'm pretty sure he was more excited than I was.

Actually I know he was. Because I kept trying to talk him out of it. . .
Just before the trip I was hit by a car on my bike (racking up more hospital bills, but alive!) so we postponed it and went the next week.

Ben wanted to stop in Vegas on the way there and on the way home, so we planned that into our trip. After a wonderful visit with my family (I got to see dad, Sarah, and Seth!!) we stopped in Vegas on the way back to Phoenix.

Because of my cousins wedding earlier in the year, and my move from Utah to Phoenix, that night in Vegas made my fifth time this year! I made a comment about it on Facebook, and what came next was something I thought could happen, but thought very unlikely... Basically a guy I'd been on two dates with (who incidentally has never donated to treatment--mine or anyone else's) said it's surprising I can afford so many trips when I have the gall to ask for financial help. First of all, I spent maybe twenty bucks on all my trips combined. Second, ask my big brother pointed out, I don't drink or gamble. So Vegas for me is mostly walking around, watching interesting people and pretty lights, and eating great food.

But this whole situation begs the question,
What do people want me to do? 
Am I supposed to never go on vacations or buy myself anything 
until I've completed my penance for asking for help??
Because if the end goal was to sit at home alone and blog and miss out on social events, I may as well have stayed sick and died. 
Frankly it would've been much cheaper. 
Incidentally last year (April 2012), before I'd started treatment, before I'd even started trying to raise money for treatment, I was invited to go to Vegas with Matt
I was planning to go, but backed out at the last minute because I wouldn't have access to a gym. I missed a free Vegas trip and meeting Floyd Mayweather Jr. Because of Frank. He sent me this picture and I posted it on Facebook with the caption, "My best friend met Floyd Mayweather. And I didn't. Because I DIDN'T GO TO VEGAS! FAIL.",
I went into treatment not caring about my life. Not wanting anything from life. Spending time with friends, vacations, family, NOTHING was as important as going to the gym. I was invited to go on a trip. I was given the gift of visiting my family from a guy who cares about me and could afford it when I couldn't. And I went.
And I had fun. 

 Even my mother said, "well maybe you shouldn't have told people." I really don't know the "right" thing to do. I don't want to say "no" to life anymore, and sometimes that's a challenge. If I have to apologize to people after every fun thing I do, then I guess that's what I'll do. 
This was why I got treatment. To have fun with my family, to go on spontaneous (almost) trips. To fall in love, have my heart broken. 
Even to get hit by a car on my bike BECAUSE I HAVE THE ENERGY TO RIDE IT!! 
Pain, joy, sorrow, peace. 
As momma once said, "We're here to have an experience." And it's lovely to have experiences. 
I guess it's even ok to get my feelings hurt, because at least it's feeling something.


  1. Haters gonna hate.
    I wonder if anyone has considered the therapy value those trips had, not only on your physical health (eating at the Bellagio buffet?), but your mental health AND the healing that took place within yourself AND your family.
    I am grateful for Ben and your other friends/family who support you in various ways, who give you the opportunity to get out of your comfort zone, and who help you kick Frank to the curb!
    I'm proud of you, and ALWAYS look forward to our time together!
    Love, Dad Dad Daddio.

  2. I'm glad you had a great trip, Camilla! You make this world a better place by being in it, and you deserve to enjoy living life to the fullest! ;) Congratulations! :)
    ~ Kimberly Hauser

    1. Ditto!!!! Glad you were in town and enjoyed yourself!!

    2. My thoughts exactly! I'm GLAD you are having fun, Camilla... it's a sign of how far you have come! The goal of treatment is to learn how to live a fulfilling life: happy, healthy, and able to navigate normal situations that wouldn't have been possible with an ED in the way. Everything you just said you've done shows that you are on your way to that! I'm so proud of you and excited for you. You deserve to share the things that make you happy, and you deserve to do so without being made to feel guilty about it.

  3. You are one of the most talented writers I have ever read. This is who you are. Own it.

  4. Good for you! I really enjoyed reading this. I have missed your posts. It looks like you have some wonderful people in your life who are such an amazing support. I love your dad and I don't even know him. I am happy you got to go to Vegas. There are always going to be angry people that love to criticize and judge others but isn't it great that there are more people that just love? You deserve happiness. Keep on Keepin' on! xo

  5. I think you have every right to be happy and do whatever you want. I do not think people want you to do nothing but I do think they want to see and hear about your personal financial sacrifices and those of your family if you are asking them to sacrifice and help you. It sounds like your initial comment came off as you being proud and bragging about going to Vegas, which normally is equated with spending a lot of money. You were able to go on these trips with minimal cost because of the help of others, which could have been your focus in the beginning.

    1. Are you a new reader?? Most of her posts are about gratitude and feeling unworthy of all the financial sacrifice and charity.

    2. I have been following for a while and she does express gratitude and unworthiness for what she has received. I just think when she slipped up this time and it did not come through. Everyone makes mistakes and I was just surprised that she went on the offense and called out an ex on her blog rather than just saying she was grateful for the help her family and friends provide her.

    3. Vegas doesn't cost that much, in fact I think it's one of the cheaper places to go. They lure you in with cheap prices for food and lodging and then expect you to blow a bundle on gambling. So it really isn't that expensive to just go and enjoy the food, etc.

      However - *I* can't afford a trip to Vegas. Even with help from friends, it isn't going to happen for me, probably for many readers. So I can see reluctance from some people to contribute for treatment expenses when you are somehow able to afford to go places that many of us can only dream for the treatment value of it - there are fun places to eat and get out that are near to your home, that would save money...yes, your friends have paid for your trips, but could you have asked that they use the trip money toward your treatment?

      Sally (don't have a google acct - sorry)

    4. I don't know when it's polite to refuse a gift and ask for another instead.. We live four hours from Vegas and it was in the way to see her dad. Next time you go visit your grandma I hope someone questions you and tells you how many better ways you could've used the money.

    5. No, you don't *refuse* the gift, but you put the word out - perhaps through immediate family - that you would really appreciate financial help toward treatment instead of a trip. People do it all the time for wedding/baby showers. Tactfully done, it's a way of directing finances toward the *real* need.

      At any rate, with friends like these, the need for financial help for treatment is less apparent. That's all. And - at least you are being honest, Camilla - not pretending to be completely w/o resources.

  6. KEEP living!! AND - having FUN!! AND - posting cute pictures!! AND - shouting from the rooftops how great life is and how great it is to be ALIVE.... You have NOTHING to apologize to others for - I would think anyone who donated (if they were true donors)would rejoice in the things you are able to do and are doing. Keep living and be proud of where you are!!!

  7. I didn't express enough gratitude, it's true. I looked back over this and all I found was " I was given the gift of visiting my family from a guy who cares about me and could afford it when I couldn't

  8. I am very grateful for everything. Like I've said before I need a new word for thanks because it doesn't seem like enough. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

  9. wooohooo Camilla!! You should have fun and not worry what people think!! I am so glad I was able to at least donate a bit for your treatment. But that was the point of me donating, for you to get better and take these fun trips and be HAPPY! I remember sometimes you wouldn't go out with me, or you would come over late because you were at the gym for hours, and when we would eat you would only eat a salad-with no protein or dressing! Now you get to live it up, and be happy!! The reason people donate is to give, to give a gift to someone without asking for it back, and def not throwing it in your face like that guy did!! I love you and I am so glad you took that trip, keep doing it, its good for the soul :)