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Sunday, August 11, 2013

How Can I Repent?

I hate how this blog makes me feel. I'm already ashamed. I can see why people with their own Franks dont want to get better. why get better if living means constant scrutiny. I didn't expect to cone out of treatment and every decision I make to be perfect, but I'm trying. I was thinking I was a decent person. I literally don't know the right thing to do because every choice has some flaw, it seems. I'll never be able to repent for asking for so much help, which indicates a likelihood that I'll never spend a dime and not feel guilty, or I'll feel constant pressure to justify any money I spend. Which makes me want to shut up, hole up, cry, and hide.
That's just how I'm feeling now.
Last night was bad. Yesterday was bad. Frank is loud again.

13 comments:

  1. Frankly I think your blog seems to attract people that just suck apparently. Because if they knew how much guilt and regret people with ED's already have, they would not be criticizing ever freaking move you make. Like really you guys, BACK OFF. She should not be expected to live in a hole for the rest of her life just because she went to treatment.

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  2. I hate to say it, but welcome to the world. :-( Anytime anyone asks for money, whether it's an entity like a school, a nonprofit (Red Cross, maybe), or a group like a Home Owner's Association, people want accountability for how their money is spent. Justifiably so.

    Maybe you should ask a friend to handle requests for help, to handle funds and your financial situation as much as possible. A financial board, if you will, even if that "board" is only a person or two, but they need to be ready to be transparent about your finances - and transparency is crucial if you are going to ask for donations.

    Then you could focus your blog on your experiences with ED and on getting well...if that makes sense?

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  3. You've done nothing wrong. Just because someone perceives you a certain way doesn't make that perception true. Only you can know if you are making the right decisions for yourself. Don't give up, keep fighting. The harsh words of strangers with no regard for your wellbeing need not be taken to heart.

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  4. Camilla, why do you feel the need to repent for asking for help? It is not wrong to do so, and you haven't done anything that you should be ashamed of. I thank you for sharing how are you feeling though. It can't be easy, but your honest is always so refreshing. I'm also sorry that yesterday was so rough and that Frank is so loud. Please be gentle with yourself. Working toward recovery is so exhausting, and the bad days can be so discouraging which tends to overshadow (at least for me) progress I'm making. I would like to challenge you to identify something that you have done or accomplished this week that you weren't able to do before entering CFC.

    I think our eating disorders are good at telling us that we "should be able to do everything on our own" and that we "should feel guilty if we ask for help".... but the reality is that, at some point, everybody has to ask for help for one thing or another. For you, you asked for help paying for treatment. You were open and upfront about this. You asked for help to afford the treatment that would help you learn to live a normal life again-- and it is clear that you are making great strides toward that.

    People who donate money to any person or cause are doing so as a gift. Not for repayment. The money donated to you was put toward the purpose it was intended for. If they scrutinize your every move and every penny spent to the point of making you feel like you can't do normal things that are helping learn how to live a normal life without Frank, then they misunderstand the meaning of donating, and they did not read what you wrote. This is not your fault, it is theirs.

    Your decisions after treatment aren't going to be perfect, and it is ridiculous for anybody to expect that. You will have ups and downs. This is a process, and it takes time. It takes mistakes. It takes falling down and getting back up.

    You said "I was thinking I was a decent person. I literally don't know the right thing to do because every choice has some flaw, it seems."... to this, I say: You've done nothing wrong. The harsh words of others who DO NOT KNOW YOU are not a reflection of who you are as a person. I do not know you, but just from the way you write, I have no doubt that you are a WONDERFUL person. I hope you can seek out some guidance and support from family and friends who know you, because it pains me to think that stranger's words are so strongly influencing your self worth. That isn't fair to you. Also, somebody will always be able to find a flaw in any decision anybody makes. You cannot make the entire world happy with your decisions and the path you take through recovery. It isn't your job, and I don't think you should even try. Again, what do your family and friends and treatment team say? The people around you who know you best likely can give you the best HONEST feedback based on the fact that they actually know and spend time with you.

    Despite the people who leave nasty comments, I hope you know that there are so many people who also read your blog who are rooting for you. Who can relate to what you are going through, and are SO SO SO proud of how hard you have worked, how brave you have been, and how honest you have been.

    Sending much love. Stay strong and keep fighting... it will be worth it! <3

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  5. The messed up part is how much you were charged for treatment to begin with. It's just straight-up WRONG that someone with so much to offer would be left to die if they couldn't pony up $150,000+. What else were you meant to do but ask for help?

    You don't have to 'repent' for something you never chose in the first place. You never chose to have an illness, or to live in a country that was willing to leave you to die of that illness. All you ever have to do is keep living - living as well as you can.

    If the blog isn't helping you recover? Let it go. Recovery is what matters.

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  6. Camilla,

    Can I ask a straight-forward question? Here is is:

    Why the crap do you care so much what other people think about you?

    There, I said it. I have to say that my view of most of your comments is that you seem so worried what people think, how they will judge you, that you aren't perfect... You seem to have created a world in which you think everyone is not only thinking about you all the time, but thinking critically of you. Sweetheart, we will all eventually come the realization that almost all people have their own problems and are pretty much consumed with themselves and their immediate families. There's just not enough time in the day to spend precious time and energy criticizing others. For those who do that, that is their problem, not yours. You don't have to worry about them.

    My mom taught me this as she got older about worrying what people think. She said, "When you're twenty, you worry about what people think. When you're forty, you don't care what people think. When you're sixty, you find out no one was thinking about you anyway."

    If you make decisions fearing the judgments of others, especially people who don't know you, you will be constantly torn apart. There is always someone quick to criticize to make themselves feel better about their own failures.

    Camilla, just face it. You're a screw-up. I'm a screw-up. Almost everyone is a screw-up for varying periods in our lives. Let's just face it and get on with life. Let's drop the self-defeating thoughts and behaviors and be honest with ourselves. You have much to offer this world and it's time you get on with that.

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    Replies
    1. I needed to read this. Thank you. And I'm aware that my concern with people's judgements is incredibly narcissistic, and I'm working on that .

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  7. What people don't understand is that part of recovery involves being able to do the things that most people do everyday and that does include vacations and other activities. People that are judging you have no idea what they are talking about and clearly never had any addiction or other problem in their charmed lives. Shame on them for judging anything you do to get yourself healthy.

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  8. I have an ED, and I have never asked for help. I try, but I can't do it. I am proud of you for getting help. Put yourself first. People will ALWAYS judge you. If you chose to not get help, people would judge you. If you go back, people will judge you. If you are emaciated, people will judge you. If you have a little extra weight, people will judge you. Do what you need to do to be happy and peaceful.

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  9. You have an illness which nearly killed you, and you need help. There is absolutely nothing you need to repent from.

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  10. How have you been this past week? Thinking of you and praying for you...

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  11. I have followed your blog for many months. I share similar thought processesas you, and I have found much connection in being able to read your words that capture some of my feelings so well. I'm glad I stopped by your blog today. (I wasn't glad to see that it hasn't been going well.) I have been reading a book that is actually cracking my code for the first time in many years. every page I turn I have thought of you. I know you have had lots of professional help and probably know everything in this book (as did I), but something about it has clicked with me and I feel like I'm making progress for the first time in years. just passing it along & hope it can do the same for you. there are many people cheering for you even though there may be a few Debbie downers in the crowd. take your strength from the group of supporters. good luck & best wishes especially in the hardest times. the book is called I thought it was me but it isn't by brene brown.

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