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Sunday, August 11, 2013

How Can I Repent?

I hate how this blog makes me feel. I'm already ashamed. I can see why people with their own Franks dont want to get better. why get better if living means constant scrutiny. I didn't expect to cone out of treatment and every decision I make to be perfect, but I'm trying. I was thinking I was a decent person. I literally don't know the right thing to do because every choice has some flaw, it seems. I'll never be able to repent for asking for so much help, which indicates a likelihood that I'll never spend a dime and not feel guilty, or I'll feel constant pressure to justify any money I spend. Which makes me want to shut up, hole up, cry, and hide.
That's just how I'm feeling now.
Last night was bad. Yesterday was bad. Frank is loud again.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

The Controversial Tourist

If the end goal was to sit at home alone and blog and miss out on social events then I may as well have stayed sick and died. Frankly it would've been much cheaper
A few weeks ago I was able to take a trip to Utah to see my dad for Father's Day and go to two soccer games for which he had tickets.

I never would've been able to make that trip without Ben, the guy I'd been dating since May.

 I'm pretty sure he was more excited than I was.

Actually I know he was. Because I kept trying to talk him out of it. . .
Just before the trip I was hit by a car on my bike (racking up more hospital bills, but alive!) so we postponed it and went the next week.

Ben wanted to stop in Vegas on the way there and on the way home, so we planned that into our trip. After a wonderful visit with my family (I got to see dad, Sarah, and Seth!!) we stopped in Vegas on the way back to Phoenix.

Because of my cousins wedding earlier in the year, and my move from Utah to Phoenix, that night in Vegas made my fifth time this year! I made a comment about it on Facebook, and what came next was something I thought could happen, but thought very unlikely... Basically a guy I'd been on two dates with (who incidentally has never donated to treatment--mine or anyone else's) said it's surprising I can afford so many trips when I have the gall to ask for financial help. First of all, I spent maybe twenty bucks on all my trips combined. Second, ask my big brother pointed out, I don't drink or gamble. So Vegas for me is mostly walking around, watching interesting people and pretty lights, and eating great food.

But this whole situation begs the question,
What do people want me to do? 
Am I supposed to never go on vacations or buy myself anything 
until I've completed my penance for asking for help??
Because if the end goal was to sit at home alone and blog and miss out on social events, I may as well have stayed sick and died. 
Frankly it would've been much cheaper. 
Incidentally last year (April 2012), before I'd started treatment, before I'd even started trying to raise money for treatment, I was invited to go to Vegas with Matt
I was planning to go, but backed out at the last minute because I wouldn't have access to a gym. I missed a free Vegas trip and meeting Floyd Mayweather Jr. Because of Frank. He sent me this picture and I posted it on Facebook with the caption, "My best friend met Floyd Mayweather. And I didn't. Because I DIDN'T GO TO VEGAS! FAIL.",
I went into treatment not caring about my life. Not wanting anything from life. Spending time with friends, vacations, family, NOTHING was as important as going to the gym. I was invited to go on a trip. I was given the gift of visiting my family from a guy who cares about me and could afford it when I couldn't. And I went.
And I had fun. 

 Even my mother said, "well maybe you shouldn't have told people." I really don't know the "right" thing to do. I don't want to say "no" to life anymore, and sometimes that's a challenge. If I have to apologize to people after every fun thing I do, then I guess that's what I'll do. 
This was why I got treatment. To have fun with my family, to go on spontaneous (almost) trips. To fall in love, have my heart broken. 
Even to get hit by a car on my bike BECAUSE I HAVE THE ENERGY TO RIDE IT!! 
Pain, joy, sorrow, peace. 
As momma once said, "We're here to have an experience." And it's lovely to have experiences. 
I guess it's even ok to get my feelings hurt, because at least it's feeling something.