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Monday, June 17, 2013

Spilling Our Guts: Alyssa

"Through my eating disorder, my second closest relationships
were with a toilet and the mirror.
I tortured myself with every reflective surface."
I met her at CFC. She is a rockstar. If I could imagine how SuperWoman would be in real life, this girl would be it. When I first met her, I was intimidated. I had no idea she was only 19 because she carried herself in a manner that suggested she was closer to my age. She comes off very tough. I would've guessed she was from the Bronx or something, but no, she's from rural Canada and loves horses. She is tough. She is strong. She is loving and SO FUNNY. I can't even tell you how funny she is. Just trust me. I'm laughing now just trying to find the words. She's funny. Ok?? Fun-ny. And she likes turtles. And she's gorgeous. Like intimidatingly-I-wish-I-looked-like-that gorgeous. Maybe I shouldn't say that on here, but it's true. Allyssa, I think you are wonderful. Keep going. Keep fighting. You are stronger than Ed. You are tougher than anything that can happen to you. It's gonna be ok!!!

 "Through recovery we will come out stronger than the rest . . . .
We were placed on this earth to change the world."

I was hurt so many time throughout my life by people I thought cared about me, that I decided to confide in the voice in my head that told me I wasn’t good enough, but could make me perfect (lol ya right). I have always felt that I essentially only had one friend all my life: my eating disorder. Mind you, it’s a horrible friend, one of the ones that you hug, to feel a cold arm return an unwilling hug… yet I kept going back because let’s face it, it was easier to hold on to something that I didn’t want than to let go of it and be convinced that nothing would ever replace it. Realistically I knew I was lying to myself about every part of the relationship but it was much scarier to be alone.
Through my eating disorder, my second closest relationships were with a toilet and the mirror. I tortured myself with every reflective surface. I would stare in the mirror as my heart would begin to crack a little more and my hands began to shake. I was fooled, tainted with an untamed demon inside of me that fed off of unrealistic ideas of perfection which society and the media created within my mind. Every day I prayed that someone would take a moment and try listening to how my voice shook, and that they would actually look at me and see that my eyes would dart away, never making contact. For someone to see that I wasn’t okay. In December I could feel my body beginning to give out on me, but it wasn’t just the physical pain that was hurting me. it was the emotions I was feeling as well. I was tired of crying, yelling, lying, pretending, failing, remembering, needing, being stuck, missing people, feeling worthless, of dreaming of a life I never thought I could have. I just wished I could start over; so I picked up the phone and put myself in treatment. It was the most trying, difficult decision in my life to just drop everything to try and save my future and a life that I felt was incapable of mending.

I’m still in the process of recovering, but I can tell you one thing: it is possible, it is hard, and it is worth it. It’s true when they say that your worst days in recovery are still better than your best days in relapse.
Stay Strong, God is here, Hope is here, and so is LOVE.  Through recovery we will come out stronger than the rest, and much more capable of emotionally connecting with other human beings; we were placed on this earth to change the world. You will see that one day when you reach your break through.

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