Having an eating disorder is definitely not as glamorous as people think. Losing weight is a SIDE EFFECT, not the goal.
First, you get a high that eventually goes away. The dizziness, lightheadedness
, memory loss, sleepiness. Suddenly, your day is completely filled with temptation, and your nights are filled with sleeplessness, nightmares of binging.
You push everyone away. Nothing matters to you anymore. You become mean and volatile, irritable to no end. You can't stop thinking about food, and the food causes fear inside of you that cannot be explained.
You wish that you could move on. You wish that you could be a better person. You wonder how the hell you got to where you are. You are doing things that you never thought you'd do.
You turn to other addictions to run away from this one. Stealing, lying, sneaking around. Running, smoking, drugs, drinking. But nothing can take you away, can numb all the pain. NOTHING.
Except, pushing past your fears. Eating. Eventually, the constant thoughts will go away. At least, that's what they say.
You'll have to put your trust in someone else, in SOMETHING else.
I've been bulimic since I was 15, anorexic since I was 13. It's NOT glamorous. I wouldn't wish this lifestyle on anyone. But, I have seen people take steps to make their life better, people who have suffered just as long, and even longer, than I have. And I have hope. And sometimes that's all I have to hold onto.