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Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Chipmunk.

Chipmunk's cheeks can expand to be 2-3 times the size of their heads. I don't like my cheeks, but they're nowhere near 2-3 times the size of my head.  But the insults still hurt. A lot.

44 comments:

  1. Camilla - You look great. Cheeks and all! So happy for you that you're succeeding in this battle. Keep up the great work.

    Chris

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  2. Camilla,
    Don't feel ugly, and DONT let those comments get to you! People can be mean and vicious because they feel bad about themselves. You are beautiful and your face is beautiful! Goodness when I was watching your interview on KSL I was thinking, man, she looks amazing. I was thinking how your face looks full and healthy and wonderful. It never once crossed my mind that you had "chipmunk cheeks". Not once. I find myself staring in the mirror all the time wishing my face was more full.
    I am new to your blog, just found it from the KSL story. When I read your first entry, I truly wanted to cry. I can’t imagine what it must feel like, having an eating disorder control your life. But I do understand how it feels to be way too underweight. I just had a baby in December, and I am terrified to step on the scale to see how much weight I lost. I am 5'8 and my pre-pregnancy weight was 105 at my drs office, fully clothed. I was thrilled to gain 30lbs in my pregnancy (this was my second and I gained 30lbs the first time as well.) At my 6 weeks checkup I was already back down to 109. I was crushed, I truly hoped more weight would have stayed on. I eat at least 3 meals a day, I honestly try to eat at least 4. But try as hard as I might, I just can’t seem to put and keep weight on. I HATE my body, I hate my chicken legs. I hate being as thin as I am. I hate the genetics I have that make me this way. I hate the teasing and mean comments I have had to live with my whole life. Even as an adult people are just as mean.
    Hang in there Camilla, you are on the path to recovery and you are doing an amazing job! Don't feel discouraged. Know that you are an inspiration to many people! Good luck and I wish you the best!

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  3. You are BEAUTIFUL! When I watched your interview and saw you my first thought was, "she has the most beautiful eyes."

    I am so proud of you and for your courage and strength.

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  4. What is beautiful, and who gets to decide? I stumbled onto your blog from the KSL article you have been featured in. I am an avid blog reader but I never comment, at least until today. I have to first tell you how brave I think you are for putting your self out there. People can be cruel and mean and will show a complete lack of restraint when hiding behind their computer. They will say awful, ugly things but let me assure you their comments have more to do with how they view themselves than how they view the person their hateful comments are geared towards. A person who doesn't love them self is incapable of truly loving or recognizing the beauty in others. I have dealt with some pretty serious body issues through out my life and I can honestly say that I know what it is like to look in the mirror or at pictures of myself and cringe. I have agonized over my body, my face, my freckles, my big nose, my cheeks, the way my eyes and nose crinkle when I smile, my short legs, and chubby knees. I have scrutinized every square inch of my body. And you know what? It's not worth it. I am beautiful in my own way. I realized that when I smile I look like my dad, and my freckles...they come from my mom, and I have passed them to my little girl. My big nose (I have come to accept that it's not big, just strong) I get that from my great-great grandmother, who gave it to my great-grandfather, and grandfather, and then my mom. I look at my face and I see the strength and beauty and courage of all the people I love the very most in this world. Had I been given the opportunity to choose how my body looks I would have definitely gone with longer, thinner legs, and a smaller waist. I would probably have picked out a tan too....but you know what? My body is strong! It is healthy. It can run and jump and chase my little girl around the island of my kitchen. It can dance and sing! It can climb a mountain and run races. My body is amazing and I am grateful everyday for it. But the most important thing is that it is a vessel, it houses my spirit...my soul. I am not my body. I am simply inhabiting it. It has taken me a long time to get to this point, where I can look in the mirror and like what I see staring back at me. I still don't like to have my picture taken and I avoid most mirrors, I am human. But I truly love my self, and the greatest gift you can ever give your self is unconditional love and acceptance. I have looked at your pictures and you are beautiful. Truly beautiful. There are woman who would do anything to look like you, I am serious. Me telling you all this isn't going to make it so in your mind. And I wish you the best on your long journey to self acceptance. It is something that as women, we will struggle with all of our lives. As I close I will attempt to impart on you a little gem of what has helped me along the way. Look for the beauty in others. We are all beautiful in our own way, learn to recognize it in those around and you will start to see it in your self. You are beautiful. You are strong. You are going to do great things. -Angie Erickson

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  5. Stay strong Camilla- the beauty that counts is inside you of you. That makes the beauty on the outside even better. My mother-in-law has anorexia and she is 60… It's been so good watching this healing process. I don't know if she will ever make it to be where you are but I am so glad you are ridding yourself of the demons that live(d) in your head. Don't let what anyone say - scare you back to that.

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  6. Hi, I watched KSL and linked here. You are so beautiful. I know especially as women, it is sometimes hard to feel that way. I dont think your cheeks look like chipmunk cheeks at all! You really are stunning and I think you look much better than before. Stay strong. I think your story is inspiring for so many people. It takes a ton of courage to do what you are doing and the worst thing in the world is to read the comment boards on KSL. So many people have uninformed opinions that are usually very ridiculous.

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  7. Milla, I saw the most recent pictures of you, where you've gained weight, and I have to tell you that you look AMAZING. I saw the story on KSL and clicked on it (because I thought your name was Night Baker and I thought that was cool), but I kid you not, the first thing I thought when I saw the thumbnail picture was what a lovely woman you are. Your face looks better more rounded out than angular--you have wonderful natural proportions that any of us ladies would be jealous of. You keep that weight on, because it looks great on you. I'm rooting for you up here in Northern Utah.

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  8. P.S. Milla, you don't look like you have chipmunk cheeks. I know people who have cheeks three times as large as yours, and they're just naturally that way, and they look great how they look. You just simply don't have them. If someone thinks you have chipmunk cheeks, they're hypercritical and not worth your time. You look healthy, radiant, and in-shape, and you deserve to! Let the water and fats in your body do what they need to do for a while. You're doing it, girl, and you look great for it. Take care of yourself! It's the only self you've got! <3

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  9. Ignore those ignorant KSL comments! I occasionally will read the comments on KSL articles and many times people just say the rudest and most unthoughtful things. I'm sure those comments hurt, but hold onto the strength and wisdom you have gained from treatment and don't let those commenters have the power.
    Love,
    A former CFC patient

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  10. you don't know me, and i personally haven't endured what you are right now. so i can't say i know how this feels, or tell you to blow off what the commenters are saying. i can't imagine how deeply those words cut. however, just from reading your story on ksl and scouring your blog, you've got this girlfriend. you do. you said you aren't wonder woman, but you are. i am not the first to say this, i'm sure. just know that you have a utah native living in ohio praying her guts out for you. my little guy (he is three) even prays for you by name. there isn't much we can do for you, but i KNOW prayer can help, so that's what we will do. every single day for the rest of our lives. our little family loves you. we pray for you. we want so badly for you to have what you desire in this life because you deserve it. oh camilla, how you inspire me.

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  11. I've been a long-time reader, but commenting for the first time. I think you're beautiful, inside and out. Your bravery at not only working so hard at recovery, but also sharing your story with others is truly amazing. There's a sparkle and brightness in your eyes now, and I think that's wonderful. Keep fighting!

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  12. Camilla, you are 100% BEAUTIFUL! The other day on Conan, Chris Hardwick called the youtube comment section the "taint of humanity." Isn't that the truth for news comment sections also? You get a few well-meaning people and a bunch of ignorant, combative jerks. It's the taint of humanity... not worth your energy!

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  13. Camilla,
    I've been keeping track of your blog but it had been a minute since I had been on. When I saw the video on ksl the first thing I thought was "wow! She looks great!" You really do! You look so much healthier and happier than before. You're a beautiful woman inside and out and that includes being attractive! ;) keep your head and don't let the haters get to you.

    Kyle.

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  14. You are beautiful. Drop dead gorgeous. Don't change who you are for anyone else.

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  15. Dear Camilla,

    Thank you for standing up for yourself. It takes strength to say hey, it's not okay for people to ignore my words, and focus on my body instead. This is a pervasive problem, felt by women around the world - thank you for saying something out loud.

    PS - Have you ever watched the Half the Sky Documentary?

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    1. Have you looked ar the Beauty Redefined website? I LOVE that women everywhere are having the courage to face this issue head on, even when it's confusing or even personally painful!

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  16. Don't listen to the negative comments, you look great!

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  17. I just read the KSL story and came here because of it, and was so surprised to hear you say that there were rude comments about your cheeks! (I didn't read the comments.) So I just wanted to tell you that I think your cheeks are adorable, as is the rest of you. Please keep in mind that the people who made those comments must have some big problems themselves. I can't imagine what it must be like to have gone through what you have and then read comments like that. It is the equivalent of being in the hospital for a broken leg and then someone coming in and punching you right in the most hurt place. In your interview you said that you still have not been able to love and accept your body, yet, and that the doctors told you that will likely be the last thing to heal. So those rude comments are addressing that issue--the most challenging part of your recovery. Maybe in that way they are a blessing because they are giving you an opportunity to focus on this difficult part. I pray that you might see your beauty and carry on in your recovery!

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  18. My heart was breaking watching that video because you are beautiful and because i cannot understand why people feel the need to go out of their way EVER to say or do unkind things. Life is hard, no matter what we are facing, we should help each other, be kind, support and lift each other up. You are brave, sweet, and physically beautiful (though the other traits are far more impressive and important!). Stay strong. Keep up the good fight. Know that there are people out there rooting for you. Many more than those that make stupid, thoughtless, unkind, untrue comments. You are are amazing. keep it up!

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  19. Oh that makes me so upset! Why would people say such awful lies?! I'm coming to realize that most of what people say in forums or comments are awful. I mean, who even feels they have to comment terrible things? Only terrible people.
    You look so great, and I am so, so, so proud of you! You do NOT have chipmunk cheeks! And if you did, you'd still be beautiful. I honestly am constantly stunned by you.

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  20. Camilla I just watched an update on your story on ksl5. I am so proud of you. You are an inspiration to me. Keep up the good work. We are cheering you on. You can do this...you are doing this!! :) With love, Jennifer

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  21. Camilla, people like that are just full of hate. Luckily you have a soul full of compassion and it shines right out of your eyes. You are beautiful!

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  22. Camilla,
    Isn't it funny how we all (and I speak from my own experience more than anything) give more consideration to those who have critical things to say about us, than those who say kind things. It's like we think criticism is somehow more valid than praise. I am so proud of you. I am solidly in your corner. You are courageous, you are witty and intelligent and you are beautiful, really beautiful. When I watched the clip I smiled along with you without thinking about it because your smile is infectious. I feel sorry for people who have nothing better to do in their life than sit alone in a dark apartment and make nasty, uneducated comments (not sorry enough not to spit on their shoes if I met them, but still...) As the mother of 4 young girls, I thank you for raising my awareness, I'll be a better mom because of you. Keep going, put those twits in their place! :)

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  23. So the funny thing is, I actually clicked on your story at KSL.com simply because I saw your photo and thought, "Wow, she's beautiful, I wonder what this story is about." :) I'm a guy (happily married), and I'll be honest, I clicked simply because I wanted to see more of the story that had the beautiful girl on the cover! Sounds lame I know, but that's the truth. Now that I know your story, you are even more beautiful! Keep smiling! You can do it!

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  24. You are hot! Keep up the strength, you just need to see what everyone else is seeing, and that you are breathe taking!

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  25. Did you read the article next to yours about the 7 year old and her diet list? It made me so sad. Some of the comments on that one were shocking to me. People just don't get it for the most part. Keep fighting!
    Love,
    A former CFC patient

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  26. Camilla, Please don't let peoples comments get to you! Not sure why people feel the need to be ugly to others I think they have a disorder of their own. You are very beutiful and I did think that as I clicked on the story and saw your picture. As a mother of all boys it breaks my heart, as my son has dated so many girls that struggle with this problem. Our society has created this problem at an all time high and until we all change our thinking I'm afraid it will continue to get worse. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you continue to fight this, you can do it!and you are so worth it!!!sending Love from Riverton, Charlene

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  27. I am one who has struggled with body image my whole life. I have not gone to a "full blown" eating disorder, but have done my fair share of "damage" to my body. You show great strength to move forward. Our inner voice can be so hard to change as we perceive ourselves and are our own worst critic often. You are beautiful and thanks for the example of choosing true happiness and not happiness as the world likes to present it.

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  28. You are gorgeous!! I'm not into cussing but the only thing I can think to say is F them. People are rude, stupid and ignorant. God loves you and even though we have never met I love you too. You are truly beautiful inside and out. Stand up and be proud of yourself cheeks and all. :)

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  29. Camilla, the comments made on facebook last night by those two ignorant jerks are nothing but proof that they have no idea or desire to find any sense of understanding about what a person with ed endures. You are an amazingly strong and brave young lady. You have fought a hard fight of so many years of torture. I know there is not much one can say about how beautiful or "healthy" a person is with ed...cause all we hear is that they just said "I'm fat". Please don't listen to that voice of uncertainty and instead look at how far you've come in 5 short months. You don't need to justify anything to anyone. No one has a right to put you down, to put down the difficult road to treatment and moving into recovery. There is no price too big when it comes to the worth of a soul. You deserve it! Don't stop fighting the good fight

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  31. Some people, when they are hurting, eat a lot, starve themselves, or do other hurtful things to their bodies. Other people, when they are hurting, lash out at others by demeaning them. You've been so brave and honest by sharing your story that you have been put in the position to help a lot of people. Unfortunately, your honest transparency has made you an easier target for people who see your success as somehow diminishing their own--obviously totally not true. Keep posting, your true friends are cheering you on.

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  32. Girl, people are idiots. They are. And they clearly do not understand eating disorders. One thing I have learned is that it takes a long time for weight to redistribute. Especially when you have had your eating disorder for so long. Keep doing what you are doing. Remember that your body is adjusting and things will likely shift a lot more before they settle. But they only way they will settle is if you continue to stay eating disorder free. Otherwise, the fluid shifts will always be there. You look beautiful and I do not see any "chipmunk" cheeks. But I also understand how you feel. Just remember that this stuff takes time... you didn't get to your sickest overnight, it is going to take a long time to get back to normal. But you can do it!

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  33. Camilla. You are a beautiful woman. And not just your body/face, which are also attractive. I think you are incredibly kind and funny and caring. I have read your blog since the beginning and though i don't know you, i have really connected with all your posts (i also have struggled with ed's, but have been recovering for a year- it's difficult and a rollercoaster but so worth it). I thought you were beautiful before i ever saw a picture or video of you because you are a good person. And women all over america have fillers and butt fat or whatever pumped into their cheeks to make them look plumper.(Remember that episode when Samantha on Sex and the City goes to the plastic surgeon?) So even if your cheeks are kinda puffy right now, even that is considered beautiful. Not that you should judge yourself by America's or anyone else's standard of beauty. I wish you all the best. -Catherine

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  34. *Edited to remove my profile/blog from the comment. Sorry, I didn't realize it would do that and I'm not comfortable letting the world know about my ED issues.

    Wow, I could have made this video, Camilla I am going through the VERY SAME THING. I am recovering from Anorexia and my face is just completely different from before I went to treatment last year. The difference is of course that you (and I mean this with all my heart and am NOT just saying it to make you feel better) have the most beautiful face ever and you do NOT look chubby whatsoever. It actually made me feel better to know that you think that you do because for a split second I thought then maybe that means other people don't think I do either but then I came back to reality and realized that mine are much bigger and I'm scared to even say that it made me feel better for a split second because I don't want you thinking that your face is as big as mine. Wow sorry I'm completely rambling but the point of this long comment is to tell you that I know how hard it is. Man do I know. It's like you feel like you look like a completely different person and it sucks because some days the ED is already so tempting so when you have to deal with this on top of it, it just really freaking sucks. But you're right, losing weight won't be worth it because then you will have to live that half-life that you had to before and that's just no way to live at all. At least for me, now that I've experienced recovery a bit I just really really don't ever want to lose the happiness that I've found from it.

    Seriously though, your face is not fat. or chubby. or chipmunk cheek looking at all. In fact the entire KSL segment I was thinking how gorgeous you are post treatment and how I'm completely jealous because you seriously are SO pretty. Bottom line, you're gorgeous and some people suck.

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  35. You look great Camilla! Gorgeous even. Screw those people and what they say. You just focus on YOUR recovery. We are here to support you.

    As I was recovering from anorexia, I too remember that my body felt all out of proportion. Just let the process of getting healthy unfold.

    Onward....

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  36. If I were you I would have a family member read the comments on your blog and delete any negative ones. Never read the comments on news stories or youtube. Do not give negative people power over you.

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  37. Camilla,
    You look great! As a 30 year old female who has struggled time to time to with weight, and I also have very round cheeks accompanying my heart shaped face, I understand why you took that criticism to heart. However, you are beautiful! Don't let some negative comments bring you down. Look at all the gorgeous celebrities that have great smiles and cheeks like you (Cameron Diaz, Reese Witherspoon, Mila Kunis, Beyonce, you)...this list could go on and on. Be confident and proud of who you are and know that you are gorgeous!!!!!

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  38. It breaks my heart that you think you're unattractive. Had you not mentioned your cheeks, I wouldn't have noticed because I think you look healthy and beautiful. Ignore the negative comments and keep thinking about a healthy future!

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  39. You have beautiful cheeks! And I agree with the above comment- I wouldn't have noticed anything in this video if you hadn't mentioned it! Your face is beautiful!

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  40. Oh, Milla. I know it sounds silly to say, but I know how you feel. Just in the opposite direction. My dad always talks about my chubby cheeks. It drives me crazy, especially when it comes from a family member. Most women are sensitive about the way we look. You are normal for feeling the way you do. But, if it's any sort of consolation, I think you are stunningly beautiful. I still think back to Junior High and wonder how you, so beautiful and outgoing, were my friend. I was blessed. And I still am. I love you, dear friend.

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  41. You look really beautiful. I know you don't believe me. Your cheeks are not at all huge. You look so much more beautiful than you did when your face was bony. Try to believe me.

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  42. Yeah, don't listen to those jerks. You look healthy and happy. Kudos to you for taking the necessary steps to free yourself of that...I think it takes more guts than most people imagine.

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