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Sunday, February 3, 2013

The Woman who Saved my Life.


Lindsey Marie Orser.
If you didn’t know her, you really missed out. She was 6 feet + of pure unadulterated love. She was not judgmental, she loved everyone she met, she made friends wherever she went, she knew everyone and everyone knew her. She gave people multiple chances when they messed up. She saw divinity and goodness in everyone.

 Once she told me, “Milla, there are two kinds of people in the world. People you love, and people you don’t know yet.” I know that's a quote from somewhere, but it's wisdom. And it described how she lived. She gave peoplethe benefit of the doubt, and saw goodness in everyone. That is something I am not capable of. I hope I can be more like her someday. She was my best.

The only time I’ve seen her mad is when someone hurt someone she loved. If someone insulted or hurt one of her friends, she became Momma Bear Lindsey. You should have heard her when my ex husband left—I feared for his life.
When we were in High School she sat next to me in German class. The rest is history. She had me at, “Hallo, ich heisse Lindsey.” She drew pictures or wrote little notes to me during school, probably out of sheer boredom, but I treasure them.

She was very thoughtful and always smiling. Not to mention insanely gorgeous. Like the kind of gorgeous that snaps necks. When I moved home after my car accident she refused to let me sit at home and mope. Even with my bum knee. We went dancing. And by dancing I mean swaying and little and then sitting down because my knee hurt. It was still fun. It was impossible not to have fun with Linds. We spent the summer eating egg-free cookie dough and watching Sex and the City in our bras (Seattle=No AC). We got mani-pedis. We shopped. We protected each other from drunk douche bags. We laughed. We danced. We drank Diet Coke. We saw each other nearly every day. She helped pull me out of a depression and love my life again. That’s not an exaggeration

She cried with me when I broke up with my boyfriends. She came straight over when I made a huge mistake that went against my values. She always was willing to come see me if I needed it. She threw my bachelorette party. She was a bridesmaid at my wedding. She came to visit me when she was moving home from AZ and we road tripped like champions (with a cat crawling on our heads). 

When I got divorced she offered to fly out to Utah as soon as possible. When that didn’t work out she texted or called me every day to make sure I was ok. She never forgot a birthday and would always sing that German birthday song, “Wie schoen das du geboren bist. . . ."
Right before she died I constantly butt dialed her. I think it was a gift from God. I butt dialed her several times a day, and she got annoyed with me. The last time it happened I heard “Milla! Milla!! MILLA!!!” being yelled from my pocket. I picked it up and we laughed about how annoying I was. We talked for a long time about everything. School, work, men, family, weddings, dumb celebrity gossip . . .  She frequently mentioned a guy who she was “good friends” with. I hated him, but, true to form, she saw something good in him...
At her funeral the entire chapel was filled, the entire foyer was filled. I believe it was standing room only. I don’t know how many people were there exactly, I think we stopped counting at about 575. She touched so many lives and I miss her every day.
(Looking out of the Chapel into the foyer: PACKED)
This is not something I've shared yet. It is sacred to me. But I want to honor her, and let you all know that miracles are real and angels are constantly watching over us. Angels who LOVE a good pedicure. . .

November 1, 2012
Dear Linds,

Hi sweetest Angel Girl of my heart. I just checked in to treatment for Frank. I really wish you were here. I wish I could talk to you about this process and hear your words of encouragement. You always knew the thing to say to pull me out of my funk, or make me feel strong. You were such a support for me. I wish I had been able to be that for you. I never knew you were struggling as much as you were; it breaks my heart that I wasn’t there when you needed me most. Or that you felt like you couldn’t be totally honest with me... I’m mad at you for that. I literally talked to you the day before you died ... You seemed so happy. I hope you know that I would have done anything to keep you here with me. You were going to be in my next wedding. At the birth of my babies. We were going to grow old together, you and I. When I pictured my life, you were always in it. Holiday parties, graduations, weddings, babies, vacations, retirement, funerals. I knew you’d be there with me. If not physically, then just a phone call away.

Sweetest Linds, you are saving my life. You are a huge reason I walked into this center and signed those papers. You are a huge reason why I stay every day. I know you always wanted me to get help. You always said that my life was worth more than I can imagine and that ANY cost was nothing compared to the value of my life. I didn’t believe you. I still don’t know that I do, but I believe that YOU thought that. And that YOU valued me that much.
I’m sure you already know this, but I need to write it here and feel like I’m acknowledging it to you and the world. One Sunday I was delivering some pink frosted sugar cookies, feeling all at once grateful for the donations and also overwhelmed by how far I had to go to raise all the money for this treatment. While I was waiting in my car, Your sweet mom called me. 
She offered me your life insurance. 
It was going to go to the scholarship fund your sorority set up in your name, but she, your dad, and Celeste wanted me to have it, to be paid back to your scholarship when I recover. They said they knew it’s what you would want.  
I was speechless. 
I started to cry and your mom did too. I couldn’t find the words to accept or decline such an amazing gift. It’s not something I ever thought I would be able to accept, which is basically what I told your mom. But as we continued our conversation, I felt peace. I felt a big blanket of a hug from heaven and I believe with all my heart that it was you. I felt you there by my side and I knew it was ok, that it was exactly what you would have done if you were here. You are not only saving me, but I promise I’ll spend the rest of my life helping other people. I know that you struggled with your own deamons and that you always understood mine. I won’t let you down, Linds. Because if I did I know you’d kick my bum.
I miss you, my Linds. But I know that you’re still you and I’m still me and who we are to each other is still real and intact—you just went ahead of us. I can understand why God wanted you home early. I would’ve wanted you with me too. I still do. I am so sad, but I know you are with Jesus and Grandma and other loved ones. And I know you wouldn’t want us worrying about you, because that’s just how you are.
“These words are my own, from my heart flow, “I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you…”
Love Forever,
Milla

8 comments:

  1. This really struck a chord with me. One of my very dearest friends died in a car accident 10 years ago. I still experience a lot of the feelings you described.

    I can tell you that she will be there for your wedding and the births of your children; you just won't be able to see her.

    She would be proud of your commitment to your recovery.

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  2. Hi. I've read your blog for the last few months. You are inspiring and I think you are amazing. This post brings tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing something so personal. Your blog is very personal but this post is exactly what you said, sacred. I can't imaging loosing a best friend in my life right now ;( But I did loose my Dad last summer and I decided I want everyone to live forever. Thank you for sharing this sweet post. I'm glad you had/have such a great best friend. Best of luck in your continued efforts, you work so hard!
    -Sarah

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  4. You truly described Lindsey flawlessly from what I knew about her. Good luck with your journey. I'm sure she's right there with you :-)
    Janice

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  5. Thank you for sharing this!!!! I am glad that Lindseys Mom called you and offered such an amazing gift to help you!!!! So blessed, and it would totally have been what Lindsey wanted...........I miss her everyday!!! She is such an angel and I am so thankful to have known her as well!!! I wish you nothing but happiness, peace and health love!!!! :) Lindsey is your #1 nurse and mentor my friend ---- and will continue to be!!! xoxoxoxoox keep up the good work!!! **Dawn

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  6. I feel as though I have been on sacred ground reading your story. Like a ripple in a pond, this story will reach hearts beyond your wildest imagination. Thank you for sharing, and God Bless You!

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  7. How did she pass?

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