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Monday, February 18, 2013

Monday Blues.

I’m discharging on Monday (incidentally I hate the word “discharge”), and all I can think is “I can’t wait to get out of here and lose some of this darn weight.” Therapist wanted to do my “Goodbye Group” tonight (because we usually do them on Mondays) and I said I’d rather not have one. Goodbye groups include inspirational words from whoever is leaving, and I don’t have any today. I could say a lot of things about how much I believe in everyone else, and how recovery is going to be great . . . for them. I really believe they deserve it. I really believe they can do it. I really believe they will be happier. I think I believe I might deserve it. But I’m so uncomfortable in my body. I feel swollen. I feel exceedingly large, like unto a mammoth. Or Africa.

I’m so scared because I don’t think I should feel like this so close to departing from CFC.

I’m really glad today is almost over.

9 comments:

  1. I think you're beautiful Camilla. I like the added weight- it's healthy! You were so very thin when you first went in there and I think you look great now. You have a lot of people who support you and believe in you. You can let us all down, you can make mistakes and lose all this healthy weight you've added, but you will never ever not deserve to be happy. Every child of Heavenly Father is entitled to happiness. We were all born with the desire to be close to others, to share joys and pains and make it back to Heavenly Father again. You can choose to believe in yourself. You can be comforted in knowing that Heavenly Father wants that for you- even when you mess up. We all do! keep your spirits up! And keep up the good work. :)

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  2. Hey Camilla, its Allie, the girl thats been emailing you. I think, sorry I meant to say I KNOW, you are so freaking strong for accepting help and going into treatment. Going to CFC was only the first of so many steps in your recovery process, which of course is so frightening. This post saddens me, it doesn't surprise me though because I would probably feel the same way. I just pray one day you will realize that you DO deserve to be happy, and recover, and live life the way you used to. There's so much more out there. Even though thats not that motivating right now and you know its true cause everyone says it, it really is true. I want to remind you of the days before treatment, you went YEARS AND YEARS of starving and going to the gym. Where did that get you in all honesty? It got you to CFC. Emotionally, it, well Frank, brought you further down a spiral than you thought possible. Frank, that bastard, took away your life, ruined relationships, took away your happiness, your personality, ruined everything you had going for you. But you can still get that all back, you can gain more than you ever have. Yes you have lost precious time of your life that you cannot get back, that's why you have to push forward and use every moment from now on toward recovery and getting better. Don't let Frank waste your life away again. You spent YEARS losing so much weight, losing your sanity, losing everything. You put ALL your time and effort, every ounce of you, every ounce of energy, into starving yourself. In the end though, it obviously did nothing positive. Sure you may have been the tiniest person people knew, but besides that, it did NOTHING. Remember, Frank did NOTHING for you except make you happy that you were losing weight. But that wasn't real happiness. Don't you want to know what pure, real happiness feels like again? Sorry, I keep going off track. But you spent YEARS of effort and time into something that didn't help you, it just destroyed you. Now, you have spent 4 months into something that DID in some way shape or form, help you. You invested 4 months of your life into something new, something that CAN help you. It was the first step in recovery. Please do NOT give up. Now, spend the next 4 months of your life trying your freaking hardest to recover. If you were able to put so much time and energy and effort into losing all that weight and losing your sanity and your happiness/life, and then you spent 4 months getting back that weight and stabilizing your weight, then you're half way there. You already gained the weight back, now you need to go find out again what it means to really just live your life. Remember, you put so much into losing all that weight. You put in all your time and effort. So you know you are ambitious, you can do ANYTHING. Take that time and effort and energy that you used to destroy yourself, and use it THIS time to build yourself back up, remake yourself, start new and fresh. It won't be easy. But its SO worth it. You just invested 4 months of your life, 1/3 of a year, in a treatment center. Don't let it go to waste. You deserved those 4 months more than anyone, you NEEDED those 4 months.

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  3. Continued:
    Don't let those 4 months have been a waste. Let them be the stepping stone and starting point toward recovery. I told you in one of my emails how my amazing friends called my parents and told them about my eating disorder. A week from today, this coming Monday, I am going to a hospital to be evaluated to see if I should do inpatient or intensive outpatient treatment. Every time I am scared, or every time I am just thinking about how things are gonna be in terms of treatment and recovery, I think of you. YOU did it, you are doing it, you can do it and you will. You give me hope for myself that I will be able to get through it. I know it won't be easy. I can't even imagine how hard it's gonna be. But I want to do it, I want to be happy and have my life back and sanity and happiness back again. You have motivated me, inspired me, literally given me strength. I look at your blog 10 times a day hoping you have posted a new post because your blog comforts me, makes me feel and know I am not alone, and gives me hope for the future. I have hope for myself, but also for you. You are so strong and you've made it this far, these past 4 months, they've been hard, but you made it through. It's time to step back into this insane scary freaking world and live again. You need to live again. You deserve SO SO SO much. Stay Strong <3

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  4. Keep thinking about your babies :) They are worth it.

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  5. Dear Camilla--You have already proved your strength of character and your desire to recover--hang in there!! Don't let Frank fill you will fear now! You have come so far and we are praying (and KNOW) that you can continue to heal! You are amazing and beautiful and I hope don't let the future overwhelm you! Just take each day and conquer it--you don't have to worry about a whole week even--just make it through each day choosing to recover that day!! We love you (even though you don't know us) and know the Lord loves you and you CAN stay strong and have a beautiful, wonderful life ahead!!
    Love a sincere reader
    P.S. If you want to read a great talk that helps me not feel overwhelmed by challenges here is the link (or just google Elder D. Todd Christofferson "Give Use This Day Our Daily Bread"):
    http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?locale=0&sourceId=8c83cccfea02b210VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=43d031572e14e110VgnVCM1000003a94610aRCRD

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  6. I regularly feel much larger than I am. I have found that the best cure for that feeling is to forget myself and get to work helping somebody else. The Savior's teaching that we find ourselves as we lose ourselves in service to others is absolutely true. So, my advice is to tell Frank to go to hell and then distract yourself by focusing on the needs of others. You are an amazing woman with so much to give that you don't have time for Frank's lies. Apply what you have learned and go forward in faith!

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  7. I was a patient at CFC at one point in my life. No one ever feels ready to walk out those doors (or any treatment center's) but yet we all must do so. You were given a huge gift to stay for so many months and many girls are only given a month or two at the most. I hope you can recognize that no matter how unready to you may feel you have had many more months than other girls. When it comes right down to it - it doesn't really matter how long you stay if you do not make the decision to recover. Recovery is a decision that you yourself must make. No matter how much treatment you have no one can make the decision to recover for you. Some girls who stay only weeks make the decision to recover and do so. Others can (and have) stay for a year and relapse within days of leaving. It all comes down to a decision. They say eating disorders are not choices and they are not but recovery is. The choice to recover is.

    Also, on the subject of your goodbye group I really hope you will look at it from the other's girl's point of view. A goodbye group is a way of having closure. While you may feel like you have nothing inspirational to say to not give the other patient's a time to say goodbye and offer their wishes for you (and yes you should let them sing "My Wish" - you will regret it if you don't let them) leaves a hole that cannot be filled. So while you may feel it is being unselfish and protecting them by not having a goodbye group really it just leaves worry and holes where goodbyes and good luck should have been. Don't deny others the gift of giving that to you.

    I have followed your blog on and off for some time now. I will have been out of CFC two years on Friday. My journey has been long but I am still in recovery and have been since I walked out of those doors. I am not different than you. I am not stronger nor weaker for staying in recovery. I just made a choice and held on even when I thought I couldn't.

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  8. Nobody ever feels ready to leave treatment. I was also a patient at CFC at one time, although my stay was very, very short. I had been to other programs as well. Insurance always cut out quickly and I not once felt ready. Remember that even if you do not feel ready, you have been there for quite some time and have learned numerous skills to help you prepare for the outside world. CFC is not an easy program so whether you are there for one week or one year, you are guaranteed to learn skills. Just use what you have learned and let others support you. CFC cannot make you recover. You have to take control of your own recovery. CFC cannot and will not do that for you.

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  9. Update: Camilla should "discharge" March 8th from CfC. Next step: The PHP program at Remuda Ranch in Chandler, Arizona. It, too, is quite expensive, so donations are still very much appreciated ... as are your positive comments and prayers.
    --Camilla's dad

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