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Saturday, February 9, 2013


As Valentine’s Day approaches I am very aware that for the first time since I was 16, I have no Valentine. I know, I’ve been lucky. The thing about Valentine’s Day is you either love it, or hate it. It’s a totally commercial, Hallmark holiday, and I LOVE IT. It might be my favorite. I don’t need a specific day to tell people I love them, but it’s fun to have one anyway. :) It’s like,
"TODAY I’m EXTRA aware of how MUCH I LOVE YOU!!”
“I Love you Every Minute of Every Day, but today I will buy you something and give you a card.”
So yeah. My lack of Valentine is really bumming me out. Especially since my body image blows, and yesterday I attended a wedding where I was VERY aware that I was the only unattached person at my table--including my 18 year old cousin. Actually the only family members at the wedding who WEREN'T attached were me, a 16-year-old, a 10-year-old, and my Dad.

These events have combined into a storm that has led to some serious nostalgia for ex boyfriends. . . Only the good ones, of course.

Actually that's a lie. Oops.
"There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up." --Oscar Wilde
This is a fancy, adult version of this:
“Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. And if I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my toys to break. So none of the other kids can use them.”


"Toddler Rules Of Posession: If I like it, it's mine . . . . If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. If its mine it must never appear to be yours . . . if it looks like mine, it's mine. If I had it first, it's mine. . ."

I totally do this. Even if I did the dumping, I have this crazy wish that in the back of their heads my exes pine for me; the one that got away. The one no one else compared to. Luda ris, irrational, embarrassing, i know.

I've said before that I struggle with mind reading and black-and-white thought distortions. Either everyone loves me, or no one does. Either everyone wants to be with me, or no one does. If they aren't with me it must mean I am practically deformed, stupid, uninteresting, unworthy, unlovable, and destined to be alone for all of eternity.

Lest you think I'm totally delusional, I am aware there are much worse things than being single; having an eating disorder, for one. Being in an abusive relationship, for two. (I've done both.) And the list goes on. And yet, I still completely love V day. I love flowers and hearts and flying, winged, diapered babies carrying weapons.


Frank was a terrible valentine. . . He hated chocolate. Who needs that? Pffffff.
Mr. Darcy, I'm waiting!
Or Clay Matthews.


  1. love this post, especially the end. Made me laugh :)
    I'm one that doesn't really care either way, but my birthday is the week after so I've had a different focus. I didn't get married until the month before turning 31. I was very independent and didn't mind being alone on Valentines....avoided the crowds. But I'd hang out with friends. So hopefully you're with your friends or family. It's my 2nd V day being married and I'm hoping we order take out, haha.
    You are awesome and beautiful. I'm not sure where you'll be but I'd deliver a Valentine to you! Be proud of you who are, even if it's alone for the time. Your time will come, I truly believe that. God is always aware of you to help through these 'lonely' time :( Hope you had fun at the wedding anyway!

  2. Happy Valentine's Day from your secret valentine. I have followed your blog for several months now, and have been overjoyed at the progress you are making, notwithstanding all the challenges and setbacks you may deal with on a day to day basis.

    I am also dealing with addictions, though of a different type, and even though I know my behaviors are destructive and cause pain to myself and others around me, somehow, I find myself making the same choices over again. Your blog gives me hope that I will also be able to overcome my personal addiction.

    In a way, all of us are addicted to sin in some way or another, some more visibly than others. It is only through Christ that we are able to overcome the natural man's addiction to sin, in whatever form it takes. I often feel like Nephi (2nd Nephi 4:16- end of chapter). Nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted. In that spirit, I pray that we may both be true to our desires to overcome addiction and be free through the Atonement of Christ. Temptation is a part of our life in mortality, but we can choose the better part, notwithstanding the natural man. I pray that we can all follow Nephi's admonition, "Wherefore, let us be faithful." Keep up the great work, and remember that even failing and falling short of our desire to change is progress, no matter how much it feels like failure. It is only failure if we accept that we cannot change. Sorry this Valentine's post has so little to do with Valentine's Day. Know that I am thinking about you and hope that your day is a special one. Your Valentine.