For being my HEROES!!
I haven’t posted anything recently because my last post resulted in some scathing e-mails. I do have feelings, especially now that I’m not malnourished! Hurrah!! When I said I wish I could stay longer, I definitely meant it. However, I did not say that I was unique or alone in that desire. I know most people wish/need to stay longer. I’m sorry if that was lost in translation. I also know that I will likely feel fear no matter when I discharge. Saying that I’m scared and don’t want to leave is true. I really hope you all understand that by saying that I am not negating the gratitude I feel for my time here.
I really really truly do know how lucky I am to be here. I think about it constantly, and I already feel undeserving and small for receiving so much help. I’m here and I watch people discharge, only to come back. I know insurance SUCKS. I know better than a lot of people because I couldn't get any!!
I am very aware how many people sacrificed to get me in these doors--can you blame me for wishing I could stay?
Many of us here feel a lot of guilt for how much money our families are investing in us. Because I DON’T have insurance, I’m not using money from some big, faceless conglomerate. I’m using money from my grandparents, from my best friend’s life insurance, my parent’s second mortgage, the LDS church, and strangers’ generosity.
I know I am lucky. I write about it every day in my journal. I don’t know how to change my brain any faster than I’m currently doing it. Frank is 18 years old. I’ve been in treatment for 4 months. I think i’ll let everyone down if I lapse, or relapse, but I AM committed to stick to my daily plan and take it one day at a time.
Maybe it’s good that I’m leaving when I’m scared . . . I’ll be more aware that I could slip, which I think is a really good thing.