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Monday, February 25, 2013

You All Deserve Capes. . .

For being my HEROES!!

I haven’t posted anything recently because my last post resulted in some scathing e-mails. I do have feelings, especially now that I’m not malnourished! Hurrah!! When I said I wish I could stay longer, I definitely meant it. However, I did not say that I was unique or alone in that desire. I know most people wish/need to stay longer. I’m sorry if that was lost in translation. I also know that I will likely feel fear no matter when I discharge. Saying that I’m scared and don’t want to leave is true. I really hope you all understand that by saying that I am not negating the gratitude I feel for my time here.

I really really truly do know how lucky I am to be here. I think about it constantly, and I already feel undeserving and small for receiving so much help. I’m here and I watch people discharge, only to come back. I know insurance SUCKS. I know better than a lot of people because I couldn't get any!!

I am very aware how many people sacrificed to get me in these doors--can you blame me for wishing I could stay?

Many of us here feel a lot of guilt for how much money our families are investing in us. Because I DON’T have insurance, I’m not using money from some big, faceless conglomerate. I’m using money from my grandparents, from my best friend’s life insurance, my parent’s second mortgage, the LDS church, and strangers’ generosity.

I know I am lucky. I write about it every day in my journal. I don’t know how to change my brain any faster than I’m currently doing it. Frank is 18 years old. I’ve been in treatment for 4 months. I think i’ll let everyone down if I lapse, or relapse, but I AM committed to stick to my daily plan and take it one day at a time.

Maybe it’s good that I’m leaving when I’m scared . . . I’ll be more aware that I could slip, which I think is a really good thing.  

7 comments:

  1. Love you, Camilla. You can do it.

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  2. Camilla, you are so, so strong. What you have managed to do in four months is inspiring, especially knowing how long Frank dominated your life. Recovery is never perfect, and any of us who have struggled with an eating disorder know that, but your sincere commitment to treatment and recovery has inspired me (and I'm sure so many others). Reading about your journey has helped keep me in my outpatient treatment and has encouraged me to work even harder. Thank you for your honest posts, no mater what other's might say. They help me; they help me to realize that I'm not alone in how I feel about myself, about recovery, about how hard it is, but also about how much I want it. So THANK YOU! You are one of my heroes.

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  3. You can do it girl. I really do know what its like message me anytime! Xoxo

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  4. Best wishes to you for a long and healthy life! One day at a time, beautiful girl. You are worth it.

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  5. Wow, it's like you're even a perfectionist about recovering! I really believe you can do this, but as you said, one day at a time! If you lapse, it's not the end of the fight and no one is going to give up on you. Nothing is ever going to go perfect. You'll have bad days and better days but if you keep fighting for the better days you'll see it through.

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  6. Camilla you are such an amazing strong woman and I know you can do it. Call me anytime you need an ear to just listen, a shoulder to cry on, or a foot to help kick your butt back on track. You will have bad days (we all do) but know so many people believe in you and support you! You are loved!

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