The Body I Wear
Last weekend I had a pass, which is a 4 hour leave from the Center. Being out in the real world is hard. It’s hard to not compare myself to every thin woman I see, especially now that I look more normal; more “healthy.” I still have an anorexic mind. A big part of me craves my anorexic behaviors, and I definitely miss my anorexic body. But I look normal. I’m an anorexic girl in a normal-sized body. I feel incongruent and uncomfortable. It’s like having a permanent fat suit.
My body image is in the pooper today. I don’t like the way it’s formed. I don’t like my proportions. I have big knees and large thighs. My hips are square, my chest is large, my arms are scrawny, my wrists are big. I have large ankles. My stomach is usually ok, but with weight restoration a lot of the fat has landed in my abdomen (apparently this is normal and goes away after a few months, but still). I can’t look at myself in the mirror without feeling ashamed and disgusted. Also I’m getting wrinkles, and all my hair is falling out/damaged. I don’t know what to do to help myself feel better.
Like I said, I had a pass over the weekend and I went to Savers (similar to Goodwill or Value Village -- a 2nd hand thrift store) with my dad. The goal was to buy clothes that will fit this growing body. Savers is the best place to buy “fat clothes.” I don’t want to spend money on something I hate, so why would I spend money dressing a body I loathe? My body is like a really really terrible outfit that I can’t change out of
Treatment Team suggested going shopping with a friend who can bring you several sizes in whatever style you like. You have to have the will power to not look at the tags, buy what fits, and cut the size out when you get home. That doesn’t work so well when you go shopping at Savers with Dad. Dad is awesome. He’s supportive, helps me redirect when I’m getting anxious, let’s me cry when I need to, and is a really great listener. His one flaw is this: Dad does not know how to buy women’s jeans. And at thrift stores you really have to dig to find cute things. So I was left to my own devices, which was emotionally draining. I was fitting in sizes I haven’t looked at in years. Even some of those things were too tight. I bought a pair of size 3/4 jeans that are a little baggy, but I know will probably be too small by the time I leave. Before I came here size 00 was big. I could basically buy any pair of pants without trying them on, because I knew (if anything) they’d be too big.
I don’t love shopping and I HATE trying clothes on.
(Although I did find an “ugly” Christmas Sweater. It’s SO ugly it crosses the threshold of ugly and enters the realm of darling and adorable. Like some babies . . . . Don’t pretend you don’t know what I mean.)