I haven’t written in a few days because I got a couple scathing comments on one of my previous blogs. I don’t want to respond to it, but I think I should at least acknowledge that I am aware of it. I handle criticism pretty well (I actually agree with most negative things people say about me) but this was attacking my motives and my character and it was just plain untrue. I was especially hurt because I’m trying really hard to be a better person, not just with the disorder, but in every sense.
Everyone has “automatic thoughts” which are reflexive thoughts that come like rapid fire, and you don’t always notice them. Like blinking. Mine tend to be things like, “fat,” “ugly,” “unsuccessful,” “unlikable,” “selfish,” “stupid,” “shameful,” “embarrassing.” The perfectionist in me tends to over generalize and think in terms of black and white. Either I’m the skinniest, or I’m fat. Either everyone likes me or everyone hates me. If I don’t succeed at everything, I’m a failure. If I don’t understand something, I’m stupid. If one person thinks I’m selfish and entitled, then everyone must think that. If everyone thinks that, then it must be true. That comment really hurt my feelings, and it’s taken me a few days to let myself feel hurt about it.
So here it is: my written emotional purge. I feel hurt. I’m not going to purge or restrict or over-exercise to try to cope with this. I’m going to let myself sit with it for a while, and believe that it will eventually pass or at least diminish. It’s ok to feel hurt. It doesn’t mean I’m weak or failing, it means I’m human. And that’s not just ok, it’s pretty great.(After all, all my favorite people are human: Family, friends, Santa, Ellen, Mr. Rodgers, and YOU!)
P.S. I think I should mention that NO ONE IS REQUIRED TO READ THIS BLOG. If it makes you mad, please read something else. Life is too short to be angry about a blog.