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Thursday, December 27, 2012

Oh Look, it has FEELINGS.


I haven’t written in a few days because I got a couple scathing comments on one of my previous blogs. I don’t want to respond to it, but I think I should at least acknowledge that I am aware of it. I handle criticism pretty well (I actually agree with most negative things people say about me) but this was attacking my motives and my character and it was just plain untrue. I was especially hurt because I’m trying really hard to be a better person, not just with the disorder, but in every sense.
Everyone has “automatic thoughts” which are reflexive thoughts that come like rapid fire, and you don’t always notice them. Like blinking. Mine tend to be things like, “fat,” “ugly,” “unsuccessful,” “unlikable,”  “selfish,” “stupid,” “shameful,” “embarrassing.” The perfectionist in me tends to over generalize and think in terms of black and white. Either I’m the skinniest, or I’m fat. Either everyone likes me or everyone hates me. If I don’t succeed at everything, I’m a failure. If I don’t understand something, I’m stupid. If one person thinks I’m selfish and entitled, then everyone must think that. If everyone thinks that, then it must be true. That comment really hurt my feelings, and it’s taken me a few days to let myself feel hurt about it.
So here it is: my written emotional purge. I feel hurt. I’m not going to purge or restrict or over-exercise to try to cope with this. I’m going to let myself sit with it for a while, and believe that it will eventually pass or at least diminish. It’s ok to feel hurt. It doesn’t mean I’m weak or failing, it means I’m human. And that’s not just ok, it’s pretty great.
(After all, all my favorite people are human: Family, friends, Santa, Ellen, Mr. Rodgers, and YOU!)

P.S. I think I should mention that NO ONE IS REQUIRED TO READ THIS BLOG. If it makes you mad, please read something else. Life is too short to be angry about a blog.

13 comments:

  1. I started following your blog when you started treatment. I can't imagine how hard this is for you. You are truly an inspiration to face the difficult things in life. Keep up the fantastic job you are doing. You will beat Frank!
    And like you said you don't need to listen to what people say. They probably are just jealous that you are facing your hardest trial head on! Keep it up!

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  2. Don't worry about those garbage cans. If they are embarrassed they can't do what they want for their kids, hopefully they are teaching them how NOT to be like them. Based on their post, there is zero hope for their children. Camilla 1 morons 0

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  3. i've gotten nasty comments on my vlog channel on youtube and then stopped posting... but then i realized that some people are just looking to make rude comments. you are HELPING so many people, i wish i could protect you from those self-righteous comments that are entirely unnecessary. hope you had a merry xmas. :)

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  4. I know I've not commented before, but I've been reading your posts for a while, and this one really touched me. I just wanted to say that I really felt for you reading this. I hate how some anonymous person can make you feel so hurt. Don't listen to what these people are saying - they obviously don't know you at all well. You are doing so much good in this world - helping yourself and reaching out and helping so many people with your inspirational blog. That is most definitely not a failure. Keep up the fantastic work you are doing, and always stay strong! X

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  5. In my experience, people who are cutting and negative usually are struggling with their own inner worth. We are all stumbling through life, doing the best we can. There is no need to attack each other. It solves nothing. Thank you for being an inspiration. I wonder just how many lives you are touching by your example. Pretty incredible! Keep going - you are amazing!

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  6. “You can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time”.

    So sorry that someone hurt your feeling, its not nice. I think you are doing great and I enjoy reading your blog. I am looking forward to reading about the day that you come home happy and healthy!

    Allison

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  7. Hey Miss Camilla, there will always be haters, and they will always suck! Ignore them, their comments, their uneducated opinions about something they know NOTHING about! NO ONE can walk in your shoes but you. This is your story, this is your blog and I agree that they need to find other things to read if your words breed negativity for them. FEEL SORRY for them Camilla, because they aren't doing anything to make their life experience more positive, BUT YOU ARE!!!!! I hope you enjoy the package I dropped off this morning. The blanket especially. I made that RIGHT AFTER I saw all the haters showing up on your blog. If it happens again, wrap up in that soft pink fleece and remember you have WAY more supporters than haters and they suck anyway. :) WE LOVE YOU and we are routing for you... I hope to meet you someday. LOVE Brandi

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  8. You're wonderful, and very brave to be putting this blog up here. Don't let them get you down. <3

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  9. I've been reading your blog from the start (and I've even donated- not much, but what I could afford) and I have to say- you are an inspiration!

    Here's a quote I remember whenever a hater get me down--
    "Protect your enthusiasm from the negativity of others"

    Sending lots of love and strength from a fellow fighter in NYC, xxx

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  10. Wow! I am so sorry that someone felt the need to lash out at you. Regardless of his or her motive, I want to commend you for handling it with such patience and grace. You wrote about the Savior in your last post. I'm sure you know that He was unjustly accused and misunderstood on various occasions, the most striking of which was when He was tried and crucified. We can all learn from His handling of the situation. "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." You are doing so great,Camilla, and I applaud you for doing all that you can to get well. Remember the Master Healer, and keep the faith! You are in my prayers.

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  11. Camilla,
    I started following your blog after your story aired a couple of months ago. You are amazing! Even though I am not going through the same type of struggles you are, I love to read your updates because they are funny and uplfting. My little family has gone through a lot of health issues over the past several years. My son was born with a cleft lip and palate and I try to teach him about compassion and empathy. That even when our hardships in life are different, we need to help others along. Life is too hard and too short not to help each other. I am sorry for the inconsiderate comments. They should not have been made. Congratulations on reaching your goals. You are reaching and inspiring so many. Good luck with everything and Happy New Year. You deserve a fantastic new beginning!

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  12. I am so proud of you. I've been reading your blog for a few months now and this is my first comment. I actually don't comment much on people's blog. I feel it's such an opportunity to read what people are willing to be open about. It frustrates me that people are rude to those that have a blog. I learn so much from blogs and I am so grateful people are willing to be open so we can all learn. Good for you on your response. I seriously am amazed by you. I can't imagine how hard it is to fight and though I don't comment, I'm rooting for you! Letting hurtful comments is something we all continue to learn to let them 'roll of our back.' I think we all continue to try to practice that. But you are great. Keep your focus on what's best for you. Strangers don't know what's going on. You are the one that knows. Thank you so much for your blog and keeping it updated. I am one that donated and was so glad to see updates on your blog. Like I said, I don't comment much but you are in my thoughts & prayers. Best of continued luck in your life. You deserve greatness for all your hard work! Happy New Year!

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