Donate Here.

Friday, December 28, 2012

Family Style

             I forgot to tell everyone that I finally reached my goal weight! I have no idea what it is or what I weigh, but apparently I now have a “healthy” BMI. My dietician started decreasing my meals about a week and a half ago. The decreases were barely noticeable, until today! Today I was moved to “family style.” (Whenever I hear family style I think of Stevie Ray Vaughan’s last album with his brother Jimmie. . .) Anyway,  here “family style” means I get to plate myself. I am required to plate 1 main dish and 2 sides, and I am required to finish 100%. The Care Techs check to make sure I’m not restricting, but it’s nice/terrible to have a choice. Nice because if I want one side and not another, I can choose. Terrible because my eating disorder, Frank, is SCREAMING at me to restrict, just a little.
“You should take the smallest omelette”
“Just skimp a little on that side, just a little off the top. They won’t notice.”
Like I said, I’m required to take 1 main and 2 sides. My dietician wants me to take 1 main and 3 sides because my weight dropped when they started decreasing me, but I don’t want to take more than I have to. I don’t know if that’s me or the eating disorder. . . .
The nice thing about being “plated” (i.e. having your meals set out for you) was that it wasn’t MY decision what I was eating. If they gave me a lot, I ate it. If they gave me less, I ate it. But my eating disorder is still telling me that IF I have a choice, I should choose vegetables instead of dessert, I shouldn’t get butter on my roll, I should take the smallest main dish available, and never under any circumstances use condiments! (Except hot sauce)
I’m hoping as I get used to choosing my own meals, Frank’s voice will fade. I barely hear him most of the day, and it’s wonderful. I can actually hear MYSELF think, and as it turns out, I’m kind of an interesting person. Who knew?
Did you hear that? That disgusting gurgle sound? That’s Frank dying because I said something nice about myself.
Sweet.


14 comments:

  1. Congratulations! You are looking pretty fantastic in your "after" picture. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Camilla, I am so proud of you!! You look GREAT!! I hope you are proud of yourself as well!! You have been working so hard and it shows! I wrote to you a couple months ago and I wanted to say thank you for writing me back!! What are some things that I could mail you to help make your time there a little more comfortable? I will need the address (I emailed the letter that I sent you) so that I can send you a care package! Just wanted to send you some words of encouragement and tell you how much you inspire me!! Your friend in Christ, ~Jaime L. Laurie

    ReplyDelete
  3. That's an awesome jacket and you look amazing.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Wow you are looking good! So glad that you are starting to feel better, keep up the good work!

    Allison

    ReplyDelete
  5. You should be incredibly proud of yourself! You look so healthy! GREAT JOB!! And may 2013 bless you in all the ways you're hoping for!! (good riddance Frank!)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Camilla! I've started following your blog since I got home (I miss you btw!). And I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!!!!!!! I remember you the first day you came to inpatient and looking at you now it's like a whole new person. You are so strong and such an inspiration. I love you and miss you!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I've never commented on any of your posts before, but I've been reading your blog for several weeks after hearing about it on a news site. (Your story really caught my eye because I'm trying to recover from anorexia on my own, and I know how hard it can be.) I just wanted to stop in to say that you look BEAUTIFUL! Absolutely stunning. I wish you all the best in 2013. Keep up the good work, and keep fighting!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Congratulations, Camilla! You are absolutely BEAUTIFUL, strong, and inspirational. Good luck though the rest of your journey to extinguish Frank and discover your amazing self.

    ReplyDelete
  9. thanks for writing your story down. It helps us all understand. I'm a follower of Christ and my friend has a daughter struggling with your same issues. I did not understand the issues, but now, thanks to you, i do. If you're ever interested in Biola University in California, let me know. I work there.

    ReplyDelete
  10. You look GREAT!! And I know how Family Style is, I had those same thoughts when I was in the Center. If I could give a little advice it would be this: If you keep playing into the game (ED THOUGHTS) youll always want to/have to play the game. I finally realized that if I kept playing the "ill just get a smaller portion, they wont notice" then I would always have to think that way to make myself feel less anxious, always getting the small, never really comfortable to just get what I wanted. Finally I stopped letting me play the game and it was such a great feeling. Youll keep on finding what ED wants you to do and what YOU decide what you want to go. Good luck and GREAT JOB!!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. This is the first time I've commented, but I've read every post on your blog. I just wanted to say I'm so proud of you! Your journey has been long, but you are beating this and that's a wonderful thing to hear. You are in my prayers, along with everyone at the center. You can do this! Remember, you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. Much love from a sister in Him.

    ReplyDelete
  12. OF COURSE you're interesting! You always have had excellent writing skills, a great sense of humor, and (last but not least) you're a mean baker. Without seeing a single picture of you, the world can surely tell you're beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Keep up the good work, Camilla!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Just so you know, I've had Anorexia from age 13 to age 30. I'm now 41. Reading your blog reminded me of my struggles to overcome this awful disease. I'm at a very healthy weight now and have been eating like any normal human being in the last 11 years with no issues. The only time ED pops into my mind is if I'm going through life's bumps (as we all do) and my anxiety kicks in. However, what is different now, is I APPLY ALL THE SKILLS I've learned over the years during my illness. So remember to pack in those skills as they will come in handy for the rest of your life. I may have thoughts from time to time but I no longer act on any of it. Stay strong and remember all the things that make you beautiful.

    ReplyDelete