Friday November 2, 2012
This Post is Random and I Don’t Know What To Title It.
Remember that one day when I was having a really bad day and was super anxious and struggling with my meals and feeling really depressed and overwhelmed? And then I got THREE care packages to share with my friends here??! THAT JUST HAPPENED. Oh my goodness the entire feeling on the unit changes. Chapstick, Hair Ties, Cozy Socks, and word puzzle books for everyone!!
For a wonderful hour I was completely distracted from any anxiety or discomfort, and I’m so grateful.
Now the tough stuff. . .
I’m still doing weight restoration. One of my snacks today included a Peanut Butter Twix. I know they’re trying to challenge me and my beliefs about food, but even knowing that it was really tough. I can’t explain to someone without an eating disorder how this feels. It’s emotionally exhausting. My eating disorder is my coping skill. When I’m sad, I can restrict. When I am overwhelmed, I can over exercise. When I feel like a failure, starving makes me feel powerful again. . . And here they’ve taken all those “coping skills” away and I have to actually FEEL my feelings.
Today one of my therapists talked about how a “normal” person who feels anxiety or depression would let the feeling grow, peak, and subside in a kind of up and down pattern. A person with an eating disorder, or any addiction, uses the addiction to cut off the feeling before it peaks. So they never really process it or deal with it and it gets shoved down. And the behaviors get worse. Frank is TOTALLY my coping mechanism. He helps me not feel things that are hard. After my divorce I lost a ton of weight. After Lindsey died I gained a bunch of weight and then relapsed into anorexia again. I’m having to address those tough things here WITHOUT my coping mechanism and it’s painful.
Speaking of painful, weight restoration is not fun. (Today was better than yesterday’s PB sandwich HELL, but still hard.) Luckily all the girls here are either in the same boat, or were in the same boat, or will be in the same boat soon. Not to be gross but I’ve become the burping QUEEN. My poor stomach has been empty so long it doesn’t know what to do with everything I’m feeding it. It’s actually speaking to me. LOUDLY. I’m glad I’m here because I wouldn’t be able to take my stomach out in public right now. It’s too loud and embarrassing.
Yes, Stomach. I totally agree.
I’m so grateful for the girls in my unit. On bad days they hug me and cry with me and braid my hair and I know they really get it. On good days we laugh about how our bodies are going CRAZY and we’re all gassy and farting and swollen and retaining water and not allowed to shave (LOVELY, I know). Sometimes our eating disorders compete with each other. We compare ourselves to each other (I know we try not to, but it happens). I sometimes compare what I have to eat with what other girls have to eat, or how much weight I’m supposed to gain compared to other people. But with our individual “Franks” aside, we all love and support each other and it’s nice.
AND THEY GET IT.