I haven’t written much in a while. At least not anything that I’m proud of. Nothing deep or insightful.
I’m gaining weight; it’s becoming more noticeable every day. My jeans barely fit. I’m worried because I don’t have anything else to wear and I really don’t want to go shopping. I’m STILL on weight restoration, so I have these hugely large meals. I’m convinced every new patient here thinks, “why the heck are they feeding her so much?? She’s a fatty.” Weight restoration has never been enjoyable, but it made sense when I was 100 lbs. It doesn’t make sense to me anymore. I just want to sleep because I hate feeling my body. I hate feeling my jeans getting tighter and tighter around my thighs.
I spend most of the day trying to stiffle any feeling. I’m physically uncomfortable and so sad about my body. I sleep to escape (when I can), I read novels to escape (when I can).
When you’re starving your neurotransmitters can stop working. There can even be nerve damage. In my anorexia I could run for hours and never be sore. I could get a bruise and not really feel it. I could run into things and it wouldn’t hurt. Reintroducing food means reintroducing pain. My stomach hurts. My head hurts. My back and joints hurt. I have a foot injury I wasn’t aware of. I have two setting: Sleeping and In Pain. It’s really hard to do emotional work when you’re just trying to handle physical discomfort. It almost feels like my eating disorder “through the looking glass.” Anorexic Camilla was body obsessed but physically numb. Recovering Camilla is body obsessed and in constant pain.
I feel shame for writing like this, but here’s the truth: I feel like a billion pound heifer. I have no idea what I weigh, but I don’t think I’ll ever be lovable at this size. No one wants a fatty.