Camilla and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Body Image Day
My clothes don’t fit. My clothes don’t fit. My clothes don’t fit.
“I feel fat.”
“Fat is not a feeling.”
I feel ugly. I feel out of control. I feel overwhelmed.
And yes, fat is a feeling. It’s the feeling of being bloated and noticing your clothes getting tighter.
I don’t like my body today. I’m sorry, body. I don’t want to be mean to you but you’re grossing me out right now.
I can’t see my ribs as much. My arms aren’t as sinewy as they were. My thighs are closer to touching. I have fat on my rear end. My tail bone no longer protrudes. My back hip bones aren’t sunken in anymore.
I’m uncomfortable. I’m very hot because my metabolism is starting to work again. My dietician says I’m “maintaining” at this weight and may need another increase. I can’t imagine eating more than I am right now.
I’m sorry to be a negative
, but all of these feelings are exacerbated by my clothing. I can feel my clothing getting tighter, even my pajamas. I don’t feel comfortable in anything except my little brother’s extra large band sweatshirt. Which I’m not allowed to wear, except to bed and on weekends. Nancy
Being anorexic was hard work, but it did something for me. When a million things in my life overwhelmed me and I felt out of control, anorexia gave me something specific and singular to focus on. I could ignore all the hard things and just be successful with Frank. I wasn’t happy, but I had some semblance of success and control.
Seeing and feeling my body change is really hard. I know a lot of people don’t understand it, but I loved being skeletal. I didn’t like being lethargic and depressed, but I wish I could keep the skinny part.
But that’s not possible. I can’t be 95 pounds AND recovered. I can’t be 100 pounds AND be healthy and happy. I can’t. And I CHOOSE RECOVERY. Even when it’s hard . . .
I’m pouring out of my clothes. I think I am more unattractive and sloppy then ever before. I don’t feel real, or human. Bacteria feeding on fecal matter are more human than I.
I’m humiliated by how difficult this is for me. If anyone out there feels this way, please know you’re not alone. My heart aches for you. Keep hope that tomorrow will be better.
“Some Days are Like That, Even In