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Friday, November 16, 2012

Camilla and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Body Image Day

Camilla and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Body Image Day

My clothes don’t fit. My clothes don’t fit. My clothes don’t fit.

“I feel fat.”

“Fat is not a feeling.”

Fine,
I feel ugly. I feel out of control. I feel overwhelmed.
And yes, fat is a feeling. It’s the feeling of being bloated and noticing your clothes getting tighter.

I don’t like my body today. I’m sorry, body. I don’t want to be mean to you but you’re grossing me out right now.

I can’t see my ribs as much. My arms aren’t as sinewy as they were. My thighs are closer to touching. I have fat on my rear end. My tail bone no longer protrudes. My back hip bones aren’t sunken in anymore.

I’m uncomfortable. I’m very hot because my metabolism is starting to work again. My dietician says I’m “maintaining” at this weight and may need another increase. I can’t imagine eating more than I am right now.

I’m sorry to be a negative Nancy, but all of these feelings are exacerbated by my clothing. I can feel my clothing getting tighter, even my pajamas. I don’t feel comfortable in anything except my little brother’s extra large band sweatshirt. Which I’m not allowed to wear, except to bed and on weekends.

Being anorexic was hard work, but it did something for me. When a million things in my life overwhelmed me and I felt out of control, anorexia gave me something specific and singular to focus on. I could ignore all the hard things and just be successful with Frank. I wasn’t happy, but I had some semblance of success and control.
Seeing and feeling my body change is really hard. I know a lot of people don’t understand it, but I loved being skeletal. I didn’t like being lethargic and depressed, but I wish I could keep the skinny part.

But that’s not possible. I can’t be 95 pounds AND recovered. I can’t be 100 pounds AND be healthy and happy. I can’t. And I CHOOSE RECOVERY. Even when it’s hard . . .

I’m pouring out of my clothes. I think I am more unattractive and sloppy then ever before. I don’t feel real, or human. Bacteria feeding on fecal matter are more human than I.

I’m humiliated by how difficult this is for me. If anyone out there feels this way, please know you’re not alone. My heart aches for you. Keep hope that tomorrow will be better.

“Some Days are Like That, Even In Australia.”

[Note: Camilla was worried that this was really negative, but in talking to me she also said: "At least I can talk about it. At least I can feel. At least I recognize it. At least I'm willing to keep working at it ... and that's progress!]

9 comments:

  1. Thank you, and yes, I do know exactly how you feel. I went to the Center a couple years ago and am in recovery now(I think theres always somedays that you are RECOVERING) and needed this today. Just to remind myself that its ok to have a bad body image day, life (real life, not ED's anorexic life) still comes and living is whats worth fighting these feelings is for- tomorrow still comes, and I can love myself regardless of the sometimes hard days. KEEP ON GOING!! IT GETS BETTER!! There will eventually be more good days then bad, and just remember.. If it wasnt hard, you wouldnt be doing it right!

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  2. I think you, Camilla, are brave and articulate and honest. You are a beautiful writer and everything you've written has culminated in me understanding anorexia for the first time, even after having my only sister recover from anorexia. I'm not put off by any negative posts, not put off bu anything you've ever written, how could I be when it is REAL. The people you are touching are those who are learning about this disease or people dealing with/recovering from it, both crave and need the candid you offer to really glean the benefit. I haven't had an eating disorder but I (like most) have had pain that I coped with using methods of avoidance or deferral, I have been enlightened and guided in healing in my own ways, albiet different than an eating disorder

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  3. Oops my kindle cut me short and I'm not sure that last bit made sense... but thank you Camilla. God bless you for your efforts in helping others and yourself. God bless you for being brave. God bleed you for being you.
    Lisa

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  4. Why can't you wear your brother's sweatshirt whenever you want?

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  5. camilla, all i can say is i understand what you are going thru. i follow your blog very closely, but i haven't written or sent a care package because i don't want to bother you as another anonymous person you've never met. just so you know, i am also 29 and have struggled for about the same length of time you have, but despite 30 inpatient stays and 2 residential, i am still struggling. anyway, i just want to say that i admire you so much for continuing with treatment while you are feeling like this. it may last awhile and it sucks. i know, i really know. i wish i had encouraging words or advice to get you thru it, but i don't. it's a white knuckle process. just keep swimming - finding nemo reference - that's all i can say. good luck, you are a strong and inspiring person. you give me the hope to keep trying to push for recovery.

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  6. I'm very glad to know you gained a little bit of weight. This means you are healthier now. I'm sorry it's so hard but it will get better and you are beautiful inside out. There's no other Camilla on earth. Nobody can replace you. We love you. Your spirit is strong :) you can do this!

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  7. I agree with the question, "Why can't you wear your brother's sweatshirt whenever you want?" I also say: Why can't you?

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  8. Sweet Camilla! Buy beautiful, new clothes to put on your beautiful, new body. And tell Frank to go to h--l, because that is actually where he lives, isn't it? Who else would work so hard to convince you to do and think things that lead to misery? Hold on to the light that is in you (the light of Christ), and move toward greater light. Yes, recovery is hard, but with God, nothing shall be impossible. You are in my prayers!

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  9. How refreshing it is to be so honest, even in negativity. It will offer validation to others who are struggling! Keep it up!!!! I love your posts. btw ;-)

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