A Decent Proposal
There’s an episode of Sex and the City when Carrie decides to get married to herself. I was thinking of that episode today because I found myself wondering who I am, what are my interests, what’s my favorite color, who's my favorite band? What kinds of books do I like?
I’ve learned during this process that I’ve spent my life trying to have a wide variety of interests, not because I’m actually interested in everything, but because it makes me likable to a vast array of personalities. If someone asks me my favorite band, the true answer is: “I have no idea.” But my spoken answer is usually, “[insert whatever I think will impress you here]_.”
I’ve been in a relationship with me for 29 years. And I’ve been cheating on myself for about18 of those years. I’m talking emotional and physical infidelity. I’ve cheated predominantly with Frank, but also with other people who I’ve allowed to treat me poorly. I’m not super surprised that I cheated. It’s really hard to be faithful to someone you don’t love. And it’s REALLY hard to love someone you don’t know. But I’m finding myself, and I’m liking what I’m finding, and I don’t want to let me go . . .
So here it is. My proposal to myself. I don’t think I’m ready to marry me, YET. But I know I will. So I have to do this now or someone else might snatch me up.
Camilla Esther Kuhns:
I’ve known you for 29 years and I’m so sorry that I haven’t always treated you with the love and kindness that a child of God deserves. You are strong. You are a good person. You have big “Disney” eyes and a great jaw line. And you deserve to be loved. I want to be there when you learn your favorite color. I want to be there when you discover true health. I want to support you as you learn to accept your body. I want to show you off when you become the woman I know you’re capable of being. You have a generous heart. You see the good in people, maybe to a fault. You have so much potential.
I promise to be gentle with you, to be forgiving, to be kind, and to be there to support you as you learn and heal. I promise to actively protect you from Frank, and remind you that you don’t need him, or anyone else who doesn’t treat you well. I promise to remind you daily that you are ok just the way God made you. That you are loved by your Heavenly Father, and that you are loved by YOU. I can’t let you go because life won’t be worthwhile unless you are actively participating in it.
Camilla, will you marry me?
Yes, self. Yes I will.
Hurray! I’m engaged!
Here are some things I DO know about myself:
1) I love baking. I love it so much that I have officially broken my mother’s oven and need to get her a new one. (Mom, you have permission to sell my car and get a nice oven. Maybe a double. That would be so fun!)
2) I love the Packers. Not because I was born there, but because they are the best team in the universe ever. And it’s tradition.
3) Also, I love family traditions.
4) I think it’s totally worth it to pay someone to wash my hair.
5) Zip up hoodies: I will never be too old for them. Especially when they’re new and so soft!
6) I love highly-scented laundry detergent, like Tide with Febreeze. I know nothing in nature actually smells like Febreeze but I love it anyway.
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