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Saturday, November 10, 2012

A Decent Proposal

A Decent Proposal

There’s an episode of Sex and the City when Carrie decides to get married to herself. I was thinking of that episode today because I found myself wondering who I am, what are my interests, what’s my favorite color, who's my favorite band? What kinds of books do I like?

I’ve learned during this process that I’ve spent my life trying to have a wide variety of interests, not because I’m actually interested in everything, but because it makes me likable to a vast array of personalities. If someone asks me my favorite band, the true answer is: “I have no idea.” But my spoken answer is usually, “[insert whatever I think will impress you here]_.”

I’ve been in a relationship with me for 29 years. And I’ve been cheating on myself for about18 of those years. I’m talking emotional and physical infidelity. I’ve cheated predominantly with Frank, but also with other people who I’ve allowed to treat me poorly. I’m not super surprised that I cheated. It’s really hard to be faithful to someone you don’t love. And it’s REALLY hard to love someone you don’t know. But I’m finding myself, and I’m liking what I’m finding, and I don’t want to let me go . . .

So here it is. My proposal to myself. I don’t think I’m ready to marry me, YET. But I know I will. So I have to do this now or someone else might snatch me up.

Camilla Esther Kuhns:
I’ve known you for 29 years and I’m so sorry that I haven’t always treated you with the love and kindness that a child of God deserves. You are strong. You are a good person. You have big “Disney” eyes and a great jaw line. And you deserve to be loved. I want to be there when you learn your favorite color. I want to be there when you discover true health. I want to support you as you learn to accept your body. I want to show you off when you become the woman I know you’re capable of being. You have a generous heart. You see the good in people, maybe to a fault. You have so much potential.
I promise to be gentle with you, to be forgiving, to be kind, and to be there to support you as you learn and heal. I promise to actively protect you from Frank, and remind you that you don’t need him, or anyone else who doesn’t treat you well. I promise to remind you daily that you are ok just the way God made you. That you are loved by your Heavenly Father, and that you are loved by YOU. I can’t let you go because life won’t be worthwhile unless you are actively participating in it.
Camilla, will you marry me?

Yes, self. Yes I will.

Hurray! I’m engaged!

Here are some things I DO know about myself:
1) I love baking. I love it so much that I have officially broken my mother’s oven and need to get her a new one. (Mom, you have permission to sell my car and get a nice oven. Maybe a double. That would be so fun!)
2) I love the Packers. Not because I was born there, but because they are the best team in the universe ever. And it’s tradition.
3) Also, I love family traditions.
4) I think it’s totally worth it to pay someone to wash my hair.
5) Zip up hoodies: I will never be too old for them. Especially when they’re new and so soft!
6) I love highly-scented laundry detergent, like Tide with Febreeze. I know nothing in nature actually smells like Febreeze but I love it anyway.

Save the Date!

We are registered at: and GreatClips.


  1. I love this post more than you know! I'm RSVPing +1 myself will be joining me to your wedding. Love you!

  2. My mom and I have started to follow your blog. I have read through most of your posts over the past few days and have been greatly touched and encouraged by them. It speaks volumes to me, and to my mother as well. It is funny. She is 57 and I am 27 and her and I are at practically the same spot on life's journey. And do you know what? The spot on our journey is so very similar to yours... no wonder it speaks volumes to us! we are both just starting a love story with ourselves, after so many years of hating ourselves we are starting to see ourselves as worthy of love. And this is funny too, I have a 'Frank'. My Frank comes out in mental OCD. And I have suffocated myself with medications in order to kill my Frank... but the sad thing is that I have killed so many beautiful parts of myself along with much of Frank's strength. But I am on my own journey as we all are. But such an important part is learning to love ourselves, and to be faithful to ourselves. I write this to share that you are touching people far beyond those suffering with eating disorders. The root is the same, and what you are learning is so applicable!! Our 'Frank's' just manifest in different ways in different people. But so often it is the same root. The same root festers in so many of our hearts. The root of self hate, self rejection! I commend you for posting your vows to yourself. And I ask you to keep writing, PLEASE don't stop writing! know that it is helping others.. I mean it has already helped me! And it will help so many more as more people hear your story. Keep being real. I have seen pieces of you through your writing, and you are SO beautiful. SO worthy of love! Please keep being real, as real as you can be. And if anyone responds negatively, 'F' them, they are not your responsibility, who cares how people react to you (HA, I wish it were that easy), because this world needs the YOU of YOU, a precious gift! Just as we all are. Keep spreading your learning of self love, and keep inspiring us readers to do the same. Because dammit, most everyone has this battle to one degree or another, and most everyone needs your story! And may every power in the universe, and most importantly the power of love be with you on your journey! You can do it, you are worth it! All of the resources in all of the worlds, in every galaxy is not worth the price of one soul.. and your soul is so beautiful, it's way better than Disney (though disney is pretty sweet)

  3. I found your story on KSL, and my gosh, you are amazing. And I love this post. I've struggled with bulimia, anxiety, depression, and panic attacks for quite a while now. It's refreshing to see someone who is honest about their makes me feel less alone. Not that I like seeing someone else suffer, but you know. Thanks for being you, thanks for being honest, thanks for writing such an awesome blog.

    1. Thank you so much for your honesty and thoughts. I have loved getting to know you through your blog. My daughter is also getting treatment from The Center for Change. She is a beautiful, amazing, strong girl. I know you can both win this battle. I know that our Savior can heal all wounds if we rely on him as our foundation. I have added you to my prayers.

  4. Camilla, you're awesome! It takes a special person to make me laugh and cry at the same time.

  5. Camilla - this post is very inspiring! I also love the analogy of dating and engaging one's self, I haven't thought of it that way in a very long time. I love the strength and power your words have and I admire your honesty. I also miss seeing you at church and I am so glad that you're going to get rid of Frank. When I first met you and when we sometimes talked, I didn't see Frank. I saw a very strong, and talented woman who has a brilliant mind and a big heart. Hopefully you'll visit the YSA ward before you turn 30, a lot of people including me, miss you dearly! It was such a great privilege meeting you, Camilla! -Alissa Marshall

  6. you are you so get better.