October 30, 2012
Like I said, I thought they’d already started me on weight restoration, but apparently not. I lost weight when I got here. Now I’m the same weight I was when I admitted.
This whole “restoration” thing makes me super nervous. How do they know what my ideal weight is? What weight am I being “restored” to? I have no idea. I’m really really scared. I’ve been numbing out all day, avoiding thinking about it. I don’t know exactly why I want to be this skinny. I feel safe and in control. Or I did before today.
Today was hard. Really hard. We just finished evening snack and I’m pretty sure I’m never going to be hungry again. This was my day:
Blueberry Frosted Mini Wheats
1 cup milk
1 slice white toast with peanut butter
1 cup milk
1 cup pasta with cream sauce
Confetti cake (with frosting. ugh)
8 Wheat Thins
1 string cheese
Breaded Chicken (4 oz)
1 cup Cous Cous
Now you have to remember that I’m not “exercise approved” yet so other than walking to groups and appointments I’m not getting any exercise. My constant prayer is that I’ll be able to trust my treatment team; especially my dietician and the diet tech.
I’m so uncomfortable.
Sometimes it seems like we get too much junk food here. I’m trying to learn that anything in moderation is fine. And I’m trying to relearn what I actually LIKE. I’ve spent so long saying “I don’t like cheese. I don’t like brownies. I don’t like cream sauce,” but I don’t actually know if I actually dislike those things, or if I just didn’t feel “safe” eating them. I’m relearning to taste (REALLY taste) my food. It’s a little overwhelming to do that when I’m just trying to get through the meal.
In addition to being uncomfortably full, there are some things I’m not allowed to do here that make me feel even uglier. Like shaving. And plucking my eyebrows. I’ll be allowed to eventually, but they like to wait until you’ve been here a while to make sure you’re not going to hurt yourself intentionally. I understand why the rules are here, but this is probably the worst time for me to feel so ugly. If I have to gain weight and eat like a man I wish I could at least feel put together.
I feel guilty writing this. I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but I don’t want to eat. I certainly don’t want to eat this much. I don’t want to gain weight. I don’t want to have a period. I don’t want to have curves.
The worst part is this was just the first increase in my “weight restoration” process. They’re increasing my meals AGAIN on Thursday.