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Sunday, October 7, 2012

The First of Many 29th Birthdays.

Tonight I had a birthday/going away party at Mexico in Seattle. I don't know what I was thinking trying to go to a restaurant. I'm so glad people came, but it was a disaster. I cried most of the night and kept having to leave. I didn't feel present. I'm pretty sure everyone was speaking in tongues because I have no clue what anyone said. Also I ate chip. Not chipS, CHIP. . Honestly I wanted to leave the minute I got there. But I didn't. So that's something.

 I feel so lost right now I don't really want to blog about it, but there's something I need to get out.

I'm in mourning. I'm mourning the loss of my eating disorder. Or the impending loss of my eating disorder.

I imagine this is how it would feel if I'd had my leg amputated at a young age and been given a very bad, dysfunctional crutch to help me walk. Now, I'm being told that I can have my leg back! Fully functional and healthy, but only if I give up my crutch first. I can't remember how to walk without my crutch, and it's scary, uncomfortable, and awkward. So i want the crutch back, even though in the long term it's not the best thing for me.

Maybe that's a terrible analogy, but there it is.

I'm so afraid.
I'm afraid I'll fail.
I'm afraid I'll ruin Kristian's wedding.
I'm afraid I'll be fat.

Honestly at this moment I wish I would die because this hurts so much and it's only going to get harder.

Please pray for every person who struggles with this because it is very real and very painful. It kills me to know that other people out there feel this way. If you're one of them please know that I'm innundating heaven with prayers for you. And I wish I could tell you it will be ok, but I know that sometimes all you need to hear is that someone else is feeling it too. And that it SUCKS.


(Sidebar: I know that NO ONE who runs a pro-anorexia site actually has an eating disorder because I can't imagine ANYONE who has one would ever want anyone to feel like this. I don't even wish this feeling on Satan.)

Anyway. . . That was my evening. And here is proof that pictures don't always tell the truth . . . Because don't we all look so happy.


  1. You were very brave tonight. I think I speak for most of the people there when I say how proud we are of you. We know this was really really hard for you, but you survived it. Baby steps!! You may not have felt much like smiling, but you did what my parents said you have to do sometimes..."You gotta fake it til you make it!" You are at a point where you just have to take it one day at a time, one hour at a time. I know you are stronger than you think.

  2. I found your blog through a friend, and I just wanted to tell you how brave you are. I have been fighting my disorder for 8 years, and it's killing me. I tried all of those eating disorder blogs for some sense of community, which didn't work (and is stupid). You may not know it, but your blog helps me. Thank you for being so brave (not just for you, but for everyone else, too).

    1. Thank you for reading... I'm so so sorry you are struggling with an eating disorder. Oh my gosh it seriously kills my . I hope you can fight, I hope you find a desire to fight and a reason to fight. I don't know you but I do know every life is precious and I believe in you.
      Hugs hugs hugs.

  3. Camilla, I will always be grateful to you for sharing your experiences and feelings in this blog. You have illustrated a concept that I've always known, but didn't give a lot of thought to. No one can ever really know how another person is feeling, or what they are dealing with, unless they tell you. Those pictures show a completely different evening than the one you wrote about, and a different person. Your writing, which quite honestly is very good, has really changed how I view people. I hope now that when I ask someone how they are doing, they might hear in my voice that I would be okay with hearing the truth, and that I can be someone just to listen and not judge.
    Please remember that everything you are going through, and everything you will go through in treatment can help future daters of Frank know that there is hope. We all want someone to understand what we are dealing with, no matter what our individual pains are, but we also need someone who has persevered and overcome to help us believe we can make it too.

    1. Mike thank you for reading and writing to me. It means so much to have your support. Xo

  4. Love you Camilla.
    Good Luck next week.
    We agree with are a very good writer. Keep up the blog while you are recovering. We will keep reading.
    You are in our thoughts and prayers.
    <3....The many tiny and tall people whose lives you have touched along the way ;)

  5. Camilla!

    I am friends with your papa, whom I adore the heck out of...and I'm so grateful for your shares...for your willingness to put a face and words to anorexia. For your taking the risk and courage to put yourself out there and FIGHT for your LIFE! Because, YOU MATTER GIRL!

    So good for you :)

    I have had my own uphill journey with healing my body since last I'm going to share it with you, in hopes that it may provide you with some support in the face of OMG, how am I EVER going to do this? And mourning the loss of your disorder.

    Last year, I got really sick and no western test could diagnose anything. I had to heal myself through sheer intuition of asking my body what it needed, combined with alt healing like acupuncture and reflexology, and restricting my nutrition to the elimination diet to take out any trigger foods that may have been causing the huge malfunctioning of nutrition absorption in my GI. I had symptoms of about 3 different ailments and was losing weight fast. Basically, slowly starving to death.

    Under the careful guidance of my alt healers and the emotional support of soo well as the wisdom of a few folks who have had similar experiences, I have been slowly climbing the ladder of wellness. The journey has been long and painful. I had to change my life - adopt new eating patterns, forego my Lovers....Sugar and Coffee...and even fruit, for awhile - slow down, choose balance and rest over being a gogogo girl, which is my natural modus operendi, and choose to stay home often when others were out having fun. Eventually, I have been able to add my Lovers back in very minute amounts. And, not without every ounce of patience and love I could give myself.

    I have been mourning the loss of simplicity in my my nutrition feels complicated...still encompasses a restricted intake of protein, veggies, fruit and mostly gluten free grains...without yummy spices and heat-inducing agents like garlic, tropical fruits and inflammatory stuff like nightshades.

    This means I make all my food and take food everywhere with me so that I always have care for myself, even if I am out longer than I think I may be at some event. It's time consuming to always be cooking for myself. I'd rather go to the PCC deli and pick up a yummy salad with dressing and meat with spices. Or go to restaurant and have a meal with friends without being concerned if they have food I can eat. I can only eat at certain places I trust to follow my special needs instructions.

    The ironic bit is it's actually very simple to cook for myself now...and for others to. Basic food, olive oil, salt, onions and herbs...that's how I roll. I've gotten used to it. And I know over time, I'll be able to eat more and more of other things...And, I know I will need to keep this new lifestyle of moving slower, meditating and exercising more, being more balanced, eating more intentionally for the rest of my life.

    People say...I don't know how you do that. Taking your food everywhere. Eating so freaking healthy. My answer...Well, it was a matter of life and death. I chose life.

    And so did you! :)

    Keep on, girl. Glad you have a great papa like Dave to support well as all your friends and community here. You can do this!


  6. Camilla,

    Just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you! I think you are a amzingly strong and it seems that you have a great support team around you.


  7. Dear Camilla,
    You don't know me, and I don't know you...I saw a link to your blog posted on Facebook and I had to write.
    You are me...the me I was 9 years ago. The me who was also a restricting-type anorexic, who fell hard to rock bottom, became terrified of my disorder, and realized that no amount of counseling, therapy or partial inpatient treatment would help. The me who knew that things had progressed way beyond that.
    My health insurance determined that I was not in need of "24 hour care," so they would not pay for residential treatment. I called the centers anyway, and told them my story. I professed my readiness, my willingness, the way you have professed yours here. I asked for grants, scholarships, payment plans...any advice for getting insurance to pay.
    One treatment facility, La Montagne, believed my committment was real, and offered me a "scholarship." My family would pay 10% of the $90,000 needed, and an anonymous donor (whom I later found out was the owner of the center) would pay the rest. The deal was that I had to go immediately, and I had to stay the full 90 days. I dropped out of school, bought a plane ticket to Missouri, and started that very week.
    It was harder than I could have imagined, and I tried to leave mid-way through, despite knowning the gift I'd been given. My family would not allow me to leave, however, and I was forced to tackle the root issues of my disorder one by one. There were two simple quotes that got me through: "fake it 'til you make it," and "no one said this would be easy." It wasn't, not even kind of. But it was worth it, and it worked.
    I graduated after 90 days, on August 9, 2003, and I am proudly 9 years in recovery, happily married, and due with our first child in 2 months. My parents still marvel at the miracle that saved my life, as do I. Like you, I promised back then that I would once day pay it forward.
    Unfortunately, La Montagne closed down soon after I graduated, due to lack of funding. And while I have a great career in healthcare, I cannot afford to give nearly what is needed for your treatment. But I am giving what I can, and I am spreading the word.
    Thank you for your honesty and willingness to be vulnerable. I believe you can do this. I recognize the place you are in. You want it bad will have recovery. (And don't mourn your ED too hard...she is always with you. Her voice just gets quieter and overruled by the wonderful voices of confidence and reason you will develop in treatment).
    Sending my love and best wishes,
    29 years old
    Portland, Oregon

  8. Praying for you, Camilla. And all the other girls. God bless you all.