Tonight I had a birthday/going away party at Mexico in Seattle. I don't know what I was thinking trying to go to a restaurant. I'm so glad people came, but it was a disaster. I cried most of the night and kept having to leave. I didn't feel present. I'm pretty sure everyone was speaking in tongues because I have no clue what anyone said. Also I ate chip. Not chipS, CHIP. . Honestly I wanted to leave the minute I got there. But I didn't. So that's something.
I feel so lost right now I don't really want to blog about it, but there's something I need to get out.
I'm in mourning. I'm mourning the loss of my eating disorder. Or the impending loss of my eating disorder.
I imagine this is how it would feel if I'd had my leg amputated at a young age and been given a very bad, dysfunctional crutch to help me walk. Now, I'm being told that I can have my leg back! Fully functional and healthy, but only if I give up my crutch first. I can't remember how to walk without my crutch, and it's scary, uncomfortable, and awkward. So i want the crutch back, even though in the long term it's not the best thing for me.
Maybe that's a terrible analogy, but there it is.
I'm so afraid.
I'm afraid I'll fail.
I'm afraid I'll ruin Kristian's wedding.
I'm afraid I'll be fat.
Honestly at this moment I wish I would die because this hurts so much and it's only going to get harder.
Please pray for every person who struggles with this because it is very real and very painful. It kills me to know that other people out there feel this way. If you're one of them please know that I'm innundating heaven with prayers for you. And I wish I could tell you it will be ok, but I know that sometimes all you need to hear is that someone else is feeling it too. And that it SUCKS.
I can be that person. THIS SUCKS. EATING DISORDERS SUCK!
(Sidebar: I know that NO ONE who runs a pro-anorexia site actually has an eating disorder because I can't imagine ANYONE who has one would ever want anyone to feel like this. I don't even wish this feeling on Satan.)
Anyway. . . That was my evening. And here is proof that pictures don't always tell the truth . . . Because don't we all look so happy.