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Friday, October 26, 2012

Processing. . . Processing. . .

Processing. . . Processing. . .

Today I was talking to Therapist about feeling my feelings. That might sound weird, but I usually numb out with exercise or restricting. I said I was feeling frustrated and afraid because at lunch today I had a dessert. And I NEVER get dessert. I thought the diet tech messed up.

I was also upset from our Body Image group. We watched a video that talked about online sites that “rate” people’s attractiveness. I told her how my X, while we were married, posted a topless picture of me online to be rated, and how he expected that I’d be flattered because I got a good rating. I told her how shocked I was and Therapist asked, “What did you feel about that?”

And I just sat there.

I tried to answer,
“I guess I felt . . . I don’t know. . . I was kind of hurt I guess . . . I was just in shock.”
She asked how I feel about it now, and my answer is the same with the addition of "This proves he didn’t love me.”
I realized that I’ve never processed what he did and never thought about my feelings about it. That’s ridiculous. I’ve thought a million times about how much I must suck to have my own husband think so little of me, but I’ve never thought about how him doing that made me feel.

I guess I feel unsafe. Exposed. Angry?

But at the time I just numbed out. And I don’t think I should have done that.

I’ve spent the last 2 years trying to be androgynous. Unsexual. Ugly. If my own husband could objectify me in that way, then what is the rest of the world doing?

Being skinny is my protection.

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