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Sunday, October 21, 2012

On Wanting Recovery

On Wanting Recovery

I’m hoping that if I just stay, I’ll become ready at some point. And this will all make sense. I’m willing to do the work. I’ve been 100% compliant for my meals and I’m doing every “assignment” that’s asked of me. I’m giving it 100% so no one can say I’m not doing it.

I’m sad. It’s ok to be sad, right?
I have this crazy urge to binge. I feel empty and alone and eating helps me feel something. Food loves me back. I want chocolate and cereal and cauliflower and nuts. I want ketchup. Since I can’t choose my food and I can’t restrict, I want to eat everything in sight.

I want to go on a walk. I want to exercise. I think I sleep too much.

I’m not cleared for exercise. I have to wear this bright yellow bracelet that says “FALL RISK” because my heart rate and blood pressure are low. But I’ve never fallen. Oh well. I don’t mind wearing it. I don’t mind them being very careful. I just feel really really broken.

I’m glad I’m here so I don’t have the choice to exercise. If I don’t eat, they’d put me on a feeding tube. If I don’t eat not only will they tube me, but it will take me longer to get through the program because of “non-compliance.” And that’s not ok with me. So I figure the more compliant I am, the faster I can leave.

I’m still re-feeding. I think I’m actually losing weight. “Re-feeding Syndrome” is dangerous I guess, which is why the portions are so small. Refeeding is preferable to “weight restoration.” Ugh. I’m dreading that. Last night we had mini donuts for snack. I had two chocolate ones. One of the girls who is on weight restoration (she’s not in inpatient with me, but I saw her plate) had a PILE of mini donuts. At least 8 I’m sure. So scary. I don’t think I have THAT much weight to gain so I hope they don’t do that to me.

I’m so sad right now. I feel so lonely.
I want to sleep.
I dream of Frank and I feel safer. I wake up in Hell.

I’m sorry if this sounds ungrateful. Someday I’ll feel thankful that I’m here but today is not that day. I’m in hell. I could lie but I don’t want to do that. Because this is real. No one here is happy all the time. We all want to leave. But we are all pushing through it and we all have our reasons.

This blows. I’m miserable. I want my eating disorder back.

Someone I don’t know left me a letter. She reads my blog. Her words were so kind and encouraging.
I’m so happy to have any connection to the outside. I have missed my friends and family so much. You know how when you have a bad break up you suddenly have more time for your friends? And you need them more? It’s sad, but I think everyone feels that way a little. Anyway, that’s how I feel. If I don’t have Frank I need people to fill that space until I’m ok being alone. Truly alone. With just me. I’m not even close to being there. . .

1 comment:

  1. Given with your statement above i am glad that you overcome it. So did you undergo bulimia rehab? You are doing good and keep inspiring others!