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Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Frank's Last Day.

I'm going in. Tomorrow.

Frank will not go quietly. I doubt I'll sleep tonight. I feel so sick. I feel so afraid.


I'm not sure I believe that you can be addicted to food/behaviors. But I've seen "Intervention" and "Addiction." And I see (in lucid moments) how I behave and HOW I FEEL. The racing pulse. The feeling that your heart will stop or explode. The inability to focus or even know what's happening around you. The blatant disregard for your safety or the feelings of others. . . I've experienced all of the above. And it only goes away when Frank is appeased. Sounds like an addiction. But how can you be addicted to behavior? I don't know.

So yes. Afraid . . .
But I also feel relieved. I'm relieved that the options to over exercise, restrict, purge will not be available for a while. Or at least they won't be easy. Or comfortable.

I tried to stay busy today so I wouldn't think about it too much. I walked around downtown, took pictures of random things.
I sat in starbucks and read a magazine.
I hung out with my dad. We watched some of the Sounders/Real game. Sounders til I die.

My mom surprised me with 6 Nordstrom Notes so I was able to get the tennis shoes I wanted. That was fun.

A maybe a little allegorical. I give you the parable of the running shoes.

My current running shoes are a mere 5.5 months old. But they've been used so much they are already full of holes and blood from too much use. . . They hurt me. They hurt badly. Wearing them is torturous becasue they don't support me anymore. They don't do their job.

These shoes are shiny and new, and my favorite color. Green. (well, technically they're yellow but they look green to me.)
These shoes represent a fresh start. They will be used an appropriate amount. They will be used to joyful movement, not compulsive exercise.
And they will fit.
They fit now. They will fit when I'm 30 pounds heavier.

Ok so it's not a parable, but it's a nice thought anyway. . . At least to me.

Dear God,
Please help me. If I am needed in Heaven, please let me come home. I'll gladly come. But if there is something for me to do here, please help me to push through this even if though it hurts. Even when it's hard. Please please don't leave my side. And help me to not leave Thine.


  1. Green is my favorite color too. And I watched Sounders tonight :) It was a lot of fun. I love Seattle, therefor I love Sounders. Fans are the best.
    Your shoes look awesome. Jealous :)
    You go girl! You won't get fat. All you'll get is a little more meat on the bones. Plus, fat in small ammounts is not bad, gives you energy.
    You already know everything I have to say. Stay positive and strong.

  2. Camilla, I am so proud of you. I'll be praying for you and thinking of you today.

  3. You are amazing Camilla. Truly amazing. Keep the faith and DOWN WITH FRANK!!