Frank will not go quietly. I doubt I'll sleep tonight. I feel so sick. I feel so afraid.
AND FRANK IS PISSSSSED
I'm not sure I believe that you can be addicted to food/behaviors. But I've seen "Intervention" and "Addiction." And I see (in lucid moments) how I behave and HOW I FEEL. The racing pulse. The feeling that your heart will stop or explode. The inability to focus or even know what's happening around you. The blatant disregard for your safety or the feelings of others. . . I've experienced all of the above. And it only goes away when Frank is appeased. Sounds like an addiction. But how can you be addicted to behavior? I don't know.
So yes. Afraid . . .
But I also feel relieved. I'm relieved that the options to over exercise, restrict, purge will not be available for a while. Or at least they won't be easy. Or comfortable.
I tried to stay busy today so I wouldn't think about it too much. I walked around downtown, took pictures of random things.
I hung out with my dad. We watched some of the Sounders/Real game. Sounders til I die.
My mom surprised me with 6 Nordstrom Notes so I was able to get the tennis shoes I wanted. That was fun.
A maybe a little allegorical. I give you the parable of the running shoes.
These shoes represent a fresh start. They will be used an appropriate amount. They will be used to joyful movement, not compulsive exercise.
And they will fit.
They fit now. They will fit when I'm 30 pounds heavier.
Ok so it's not a parable, but it's a nice thought anyway. . . At least to me.
Please help me. If I am needed in Heaven, please let me come home. I'll gladly come. But if there is something for me to do here, please help me to push through this even if though it hurts. Even when it's hard. Please please don't leave my side. And help me to not leave Thine.