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Thursday, October 11, 2012

I Don't Want Another Birthday.

I really didn't want to write about this, but I can't claim to be totally honest and then not include the really embarrassing ugly bits.

Today I convinced myself it was ok to eat. Because it's my birthday AND Kristian's rehearsal dinner. And that is going to happen again NEVER. And I didn't want to miss the rehearsal dinner. . .
I didn't eat all day. I just didn't think about it. I wasn't hungry. And then came dinner . . .
I couldn't even be at the restaurant, so I asked Seth to text me when dinner was mostly over and people started making toasts. I went back to the restaurant later. People made lovely toasts. Then  . . . dessert. Dun dun duuuuun. Big bad cookies and ice cream.
I allowed myself a bite of cookie. That bite turned into 80 billion bites.
When I got home, I ate two pieces of pizza and some salad.
In my room.
Because I can't eat in front of people.
Because it's hard for me to swallow.

There. I said it.
I'm disgusting.

There I was, sitting in my room crying with a cup of masticated food in front of me. I could hear my family laughing downstairs. My big brother, so happy, celebrating his upcoming marriage. There should be so much joy, and I'm ruining it.

And it's my birthday. I keep forgetting.
It's my birthday and I hate my parents for having me.
I didn't ask to be born. I didn't want this. It's not fair that two people can just up and decide to have a child. What if that child is equally unhappy and USELESS their whole life?

I have never felt so disgusting and ugly and sick and small. I have never wanted to die as much as I did in that moment.

In that moment I hear someone laughing at me. And I'm scared to death because I know no one else can hear it.

You are ugly
You are a stupid, filthy, wicked bitch and you CONTRIBUTE NOTHING.
Less than pond scum. More worthless than a speck of dust.

I am so ashamed. I wanted to cut. I kept thinking "This is my life. This will always be my life. I can't even swallow food."

There was a sharp tool near me and I stared at it. Then I got a text.

"How's the warm weather?"

And it pulled me out of my slump enough for me to tell my brother I needed help. My mom came upstairs and sat with me while I cried over spit food.

I think I suck. 

(This picture is irrelevant to the post other then it happened today . . . How pretty is my future sister!)


  1. Not sure what to say to all of this....but I do know that you are not disgusting! My wish is that you find peace and happiness within yourself. Still praying for you!


  2. Big hugs, honey. Those are lies. God made you beautiful inside and out <3