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Thursday, October 11, 2012

I Don't Want Another Birthday.

I really didn't want to write about this, but I can't claim to be totally honest and then not include the really embarrassing ugly bits.

Today I convinced myself it was ok to eat. Because it's my birthday AND Kristian's rehearsal dinner. And that is going to happen again NEVER. And I didn't want to miss the rehearsal dinner. . .
I didn't eat all day. I just didn't think about it. I wasn't hungry. And then came dinner . . .
I couldn't even be at the restaurant, so I asked Seth to text me when dinner was mostly over and people started making toasts. I went back to the restaurant later. People made lovely toasts. Then  . . . dessert. Dun dun duuuuun. Big bad cookies and ice cream.
UGH
I allowed myself a bite of cookie. That bite turned into 80 billion bites.
When I got home, I ate two pieces of pizza and some salad.
In my room.
Because I can't eat in front of people.
Because it's hard for me to swallow.

There. I said it.
I'm disgusting.

There I was, sitting in my room crying with a cup of masticated food in front of me. I could hear my family laughing downstairs. My big brother, so happy, celebrating his upcoming marriage. There should be so much joy, and I'm ruining it.

And it's my birthday. I keep forgetting.
It's my birthday and I hate my parents for having me.
I didn't ask to be born. I didn't want this. It's not fair that two people can just up and decide to have a child. What if that child is equally unhappy and USELESS their whole life?

I have never felt so disgusting and ugly and sick and small. I have never wanted to die as much as I did in that moment.

In that moment I hear someone laughing at me. And I'm scared to death because I know no one else can hear it.

You are ugly
You are NOTHING
You are a stupid, filthy, wicked bitch and you CONTRIBUTE NOTHING.
Less than pond scum. More worthless than a speck of dust.

I am so ashamed. I wanted to cut. I kept thinking "This is my life. This will always be my life. I can't even swallow food."

There was a sharp tool near me and I stared at it. Then I got a text.

"How's the warm weather?"

And it pulled me out of my slump enough for me to tell my brother I needed help. My mom came upstairs and sat with me while I cried over spit food.

#firstworldproblems
I think I suck. 

(This picture is irrelevant to the post other then it happened today . . . How pretty is my future sister!)

2 comments:

  1. Not sure what to say to all of this....but I do know that you are not disgusting! My wish is that you find peace and happiness within yourself. Still praying for you!

    Allison

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  2. Big hugs, honey. Those are lies. God made you beautiful inside and out <3

    ReplyDelete