October 31, 2012
Today has been a really weird day.
It started at breakfast. I had eggs. “I don’t like eggs.” That’s always been my mantra, but I went into breakfast with an open mind. And then my eggs were covered in maple syrup. Even if you are an egg-lover, that’s just gross. It was all I could do to get through breakfast without being nauseated. But I did it.
Sometimes at meals I have arguments with Frank and my food. Frank tells me that I shouldn’t eat. My food tries to convince me it’s delicious.
Frank: Camilla, don’t do it. This isn’t even food that you typically enjoy, it’s not worth the calories. Have you seen some of the people here? You’re going to look like that. They’re trying to make you fat. This is bad.
Food: Don’t listen to Frank. I’m delicious. I’m the best thing you’ve ever seen. I’m so good you’re not going to want to stop eating me. I might look like boring cafeteria food but really I’m delicious.
Me: *stares blankly at food*
Frank: Camilla, you and I go way back. With me, you get to be skinny. And skinny=control. Skinny=lovable. Skinny=successful and powerful.
Me: Frank, I have to eat or they’re going to put a tube in my nose. I’d rather taste my food then have it inserted into my stomach all day. It’s not fun that way and I’ll never learn what I like and what I don’t.
Food: That’s right. I win. I have power over you. You need me to live, which
means I’m in control. If I want to make you fat, I will. You have no say.
Me: *totally numb, eats food robotically and tries not to think*
Somewhere in there I just numb out and do what I know I’m supposed to do. Anything is better than going to the hospital and having a tube inserted into my nose. No thank you. I’m too prideful for that.
Anyway . . .
A weird day. . .
I had a meeting with my therapist that overlapped with snack, so I had to eat my snack in our living area. Alone. Which feels very strange. I don’t like eating alone because that’s what I did with my eating disorder, so it felt like a step backward.
It’s Halloween so they had us do some festive activities. We had a little carnival, like we did back in Elementary School. I tried to really participate and get into it, but it made me feel a little silly. You know how when you go to a retirement home and they have silly little activities for the residents, but it’s just kind of sad? It felt like that.
After that we decorated cookies for snack. All the joy of cookie-decorating is removed when you know you have to eat the finished product. The hardest part is that you have to eat everything they give you. A tablespoon of icing was WAY too much icing for the cookie we were given. I felt like I had icing with a small side of cookie. I cried, which was embarrassing. It hurt to eat it. One of the Care Techs told me I didn’t have to finish it and that I could “Boost” instead. (Boosting means drinking a meal supplement instead of whatever the snack is). But I told myself on day one that I wouldn’t Boost. It tastes weird anyway. So I finished my cookie. It was really hard.
We trick-or-treated for “positive affirmations” (“you are amazing,” “you are beautiful,” you know, really personalized stuff.). It was like parade of the mental patients. It made me feel remedial and pathetic and broken and childish. I think my time would have been better spent reading or working on some of my assignments. Or even taking a nap. It really made me feel bad about myself and being here. I’m not exactly sure why.
Dinner was really uncomfortable. I think we all felt strange after the “parade of the mental patients.”
I’m trying really hard to feel my feelings and right now I’m feeling overwhelmingly sad. I feel very bad about myself. I feel bad that I got myself in this mess and that I’m here. I’m sad. I want to go home and just sleep.