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Monday, October 22, 2012

Happy Birthday Dad (For your present, I’m not running out of here)

Happy Birthday Dad (for your present, I’m not running out of here)

I think I’ve found the reason why treatment doesn’t “work” for some people — It’s because they get kicked out of treatment after they’re medically “stable”, which could be two days. So none of the actual issues have been addressed and they fall back into a comfortable “Frank” routine. And nothing gets fixed.

Today I’m trying to focus on what foods I actually like. Breakfast was hard. We had muffins. There were four kinds. I wanted a certain muffin, but they made me eat a different one. I think if I have to eat the calories it might as well be a food I like. Right? In the real world I’d be able to pick my own muffin, but not here. They’re trying to keep us away from only choosing our “safe” foods, trying to expose us to new foods, etc. So we can’t be picky. Which I understand. I just can’t believe the reaction I had to a muffin. Something in me is terrified of having my choices taken away.

Anyway . . . At snack we had mozzarella sticks—I don’t like those, but I went into snack and really thought about what I was tasting. And I realized that mozzarella sticks actually aren’t terrible. I don’t think they’ll ever be my appetizer of choice, but I like crunchy texture on the outside, I like marinara sauce . . . they’re not terrible, like I said. I don’t like the inside. The cheese wasn’t melted and it was SUPER salty, but maybe another brand would be worth trying.

(I realize that last paragraph sounds really simple and probably silly, but it’s a big deal to realize that I might actually like some foods I thought I didn’t like . . . maybe I’ll try eggs next.)

I want everyone to know that I’m trying. I’m doing everything that’s asked and more. I’m trying so hard to trust this process.

BUT

I’m incredibly fearful that this won’t work, or that I’ll relapse at some point. And the anxiety I feel from that is almost debilitating. What does everyone expect if that happens? I can’t pay the money back. . . how am I going to live with myself if I fail, or relapse, or feel like I failed??

For the record, I don’t plan to relapse, but with recovery from any addiction it’s possible, especially when you have to interact with your addiction to survive. I can’t live without food (I’ve tried . . . that’s the problem). I’m so scared of letting everyone down.

The fear is exhausting. It’s 8:57 and I’m ready for bed.

1 comment:

  1. Keep up the great work Camilla! I believe in you. You are strong enough to share your story with the world...and I know you are strong enough to live your life with out frank. You are in my thoughts and you are in inspiration to me and so many others!

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