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Thursday, October 4, 2012

Camilla: 102

I am 5'8" Last time I went to my doctor I weighed 102, with my clothes on.

I'm not actively trying, but I'd like to be thinner.

One day, years ago, I came home and found a topless picture of myself on the Internet. Posted by my ex husband. And we were still married.

I would rather look scary and emaciated then be objectified and degraded that way again. I would rather look like a teenage boy. I would rather not have a body. Having someone who is supposed to protect you and love you betray you in such a humiliating, belittling way should kill you. He turned me into pornography. I don't want that to be a possibility ever again.

I'm so sad. I don't want a body anymore.

3 comments:

  1. I don't know you personally or your ex but he sounds like a loser and it sound like you are better off without him. I have been reading recently and this is my first comment. I just want to let you know that I am thinking about you and praying for you. You CAN do this!

    Allison

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  2. Wanting to make your body something that no one wants to oogle anymore is a very normal reaction to what you went through. While I didn't endure the same situation, I went through things in my past that made me not want people to look at my body, but my mind had the opposite reaction as yours...I put on lots of extra weight because if I was fat then I wouldn't be objectified and used for my body. Don't know why I shared this with you...I guess like you said in another post...sometimes it's nice just to know that you aren't the only one who has been through something. Maybe knowing that your reaction is common and makes logical sense might help to get to the root of the issues which will help on the road to recovery.
    My only piece of advice that I have learned is that as long as you think that way...he wins. He is able to control a part of you and he is able to make you feel things about yourself that aren't true. You have every right to enjoy your body and you can feel safe and happy in a healthy (even attractive) body.
    Love you and good luck!
    --K2--

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  3. I understand.
    I lost my virginity at 26 to a close friend who wanted to gain control over me. He wanted to make me "his" so he raped me. I felt like all of my value and worth were gone. I retreated and hid myself from everyone. I despised my body and felt like it was a burden. Even when I was in the public, I tried to keep myself hidden however I could. When I met people. I shut off part of my personality because I couldn't trust anyone to get close to me. I fell into a victim's cycle. I went from bad relationship to bad relationship. I have been raped by three different men - something that people can't understand so I don't tell them. It's painful enough without their lack of understanding. I've been hit and choked and made to feel so worthless.
    I found myself completely broken. I hated life and blamed my body for men not seeing me and only wanting me to be their sexual object. I got angry... and I decided NO MORE. NEVER AGAIN. It wasn't until I was ready to heal and decided to heal and move past it that I was able to find happiness again. It was then that I was able to get rid of the chaos that was inside of me and find a constant peace. Yeah - the thought of trying to break out of my emotional bondage was PAINFUL and horrifying. I could not deal with any more upsets when I was so vulnerable already. But - I didn't want to live the rest of my life in misery. I wanted to have happiness. I wanted to be a mom one day which to me, that meant I needed to be the healthiest version of me that I could be.
    I'm stronger for it all, now. I wish I could say I value my body like i did before, but the truth is - I value myself in a completely different way... in ways that CANNOT be taken from me. I have an inner strength - I've made it through things that most people don't make it through. I am a Survivor. I protect myself from returning to the darkness every day, and that empowers me. I cannot control what others do, but I can do my best to fight the good fight every day and surround myself with good people.
    Yeah... my judgement is off sometimes, and that stings. But - I take whatever lessons I can and keep going because - those men already took enough from me. They will not take anything else. I've learned how to have compassion ("understanding") for myself. So - with that in mind - it's all worth it.
    My thoughts are with you along your journey. I hope you can find the part of you that you've hidden away... and bring you back home to yourself.
    Love,
    Jennifer

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