Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Camilla's eating disorder story was aired. If you want to donate to her treatment, please click on the "Donate" button at the top of her blog.
And, (as you'll see in some of the comments), if you want to be "hating", insulting, criticizing, or judgemental, I hope you'll keep your comments and thoughts to yourself.
PS: Update from ABC News. In the midst of Hurricane Sandy, ABC's web reporter in the East, Liz, called me on Friday. ABC plans (she said) on putting the story on its website on Monday, and possibly running the story nationally. Stay tuned.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
A similar story is expected to be aired in late November on KSL-TV in Salt Lake City.
Thanks for your support! -- Camilla's dad
Monday, October 29, 2012
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Friday, October 26, 2012
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
How Frank Accidently Killed Himself.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Monday, October 22, 2012
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Saturday, October 20, 2012
It’s Physically Painful
Please continue to pray for her ... and donate. This is NOT a scam. Every day she is in there she gets closer to being better ... but it does cost real money to stay in there. Thank you! - Dave Kuhns
Friday, October 19, 2012
Thursday, October 18, 2012
If you live in Utah, visiting hours are most of the day on Saturday and Sunday. (NOTE from Camilla's Dad: She requested that potential visitors first please e-mail Camilla to see when and if she is accepting visitors).
PLEASE continue to fund raise! Contact my parents or siblings for more information. You can find them on my facebook page or e-mail my dad: dgkuhns_writer at msn dot com.
I will try to update this blog as much as possible.
PLEASE continue to donate and share my blog and fundraise. We're paying as we go; having faith that the Lord will provide and money will come as needed.
Thank you times a million.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
I'm trying to remind myself that the control I'm relinquishing is actually a counterfeit control. It's not real.
Real Control is asking for help. Going voluntarily into treatment. Walking through the doors. Getting off the treadmill at a reasonable time. Feeding my body.
But right now it just feels like I'm going to die. I'm terrified.
Frank will not go quietly. I doubt I'll sleep tonight. I feel so sick. I feel so afraid.
AND FRANK IS PISSSSSED
So yes. Afraid . . .
But I also feel relieved. I'm relieved that the options to over exercise, restrict, purge will not be available for a while. Or at least they won't be easy. Or comfortable.
I tried to stay busy today so I wouldn't think about it too much. I walked around downtown, took pictures of random things.
I hung out with my dad. We watched some of the Sounders/Real game. Sounders til I die.
My mom surprised me with 6 Nordstrom Notes so I was able to get the tennis shoes I wanted. That was fun.
A maybe a little allegorical. I give you the parable of the running shoes.
These shoes represent a fresh start. They will be used an appropriate amount. They will be used to joyful movement, not compulsive exercise.
And they will fit.
They fit now. They will fit when I'm 30 pounds heavier.
Ok so it's not a parable, but it's a nice thought anyway. . . At least to me.
Please help me. If I am needed in Heaven, please let me come home. I'll gladly come. But if there is something for me to do here, please help me to push through this even if though it hurts. Even when it's hard. Please please don't leave my side. And help me to not leave Thine.
Monday, October 15, 2012
I. Am. Terrified.
Dear reader, thank you so much for your love and support. Emotional and financial. I have to admit that I still need financial help. I have enough to get in the door, but I don't have enough to stay for very long.
Getting in the door is a huge triumph and a huge blessing, but I need to stay long enough to do the work. Please continue to donate if you can. If you can't, please pray and send out positive thoughts that those who are able to contribute financially with find my blog.
I'm so afraid that I'll get into treatment and have to leave before I'm ready. Before I'm done working. I'm so afraid. I'm trying to have faith that the money will come. Somehow. I have to believe it can happen.
Friday, October 12, 2012
"The problem isn’t with [your] body, it’s with a dress that only looks good on a woman who is 5’11 and a size zero.
That little girl who is going to become a 5’4, size 12 woman can’t just become a 5’11, size 0 woman when she wants to fit into a dress that was designed by someone who couldn't be bothered to make a dress that looks good on someone who is not a model."
You are supposed to be 5'8" and whatever size you are. The dress is meant to cover you, you're not meant to accommodate it.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Sunday, October 7, 2012
I feel so lost right now I don't really want to blog about it, but there's something I need to get out.
I'm in mourning. I'm mourning the loss of my eating disorder. Or the impending loss of my eating disorder.
I imagine this is how it would feel if I'd had my leg amputated at a young age and been given a very bad, dysfunctional crutch to help me walk. Now, I'm being told that I can have my leg back! Fully functional and healthy, but only if I give up my crutch first. I can't remember how to walk without my crutch, and it's scary, uncomfortable, and awkward. So i want the crutch back, even though in the long term it's not the best thing for me.
Maybe that's a terrible analogy, but there it is.
I'm so afraid.
I'm afraid I'll fail.
I'm afraid I'll ruin Kristian's wedding.
I'm afraid I'll be fat.
Honestly at this moment I wish I would die because this hurts so much and it's only going to get harder.
Please pray for every person who struggles with this because it is very real and very painful. It kills me to know that other people out there feel this way. If you're one of them please know that I'm innundating heaven with prayers for you. And I wish I could tell you it will be ok, but I know that sometimes all you need to hear is that someone else is feeling it too. And that it SUCKS.
I can be that person. THIS SUCKS. EATING DISORDERS SUCK!
(Sidebar: I know that NO ONE who runs a pro-anorexia site actually has an eating disorder because I can't imagine ANYONE who has one would ever want anyone to feel like this. I don't even wish this feeling on Satan.)
Anyway. . . That was my evening. And here is proof that pictures don't always tell the truth . . . Because don't we all look so happy.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
I'm not actively trying, but I'd like to be thinner.
One day, years ago, I came home and found a topless picture of myself on the Internet. Posted by my ex husband. And we were still married.
I would rather look scary and emaciated then be objectified and degraded that way again. I would rather look like a teenage boy. I would rather not have a body. Having someone who is supposed to protect you and love you betray you in such a humiliating, belittling way should kill you. He turned me into pornography. I don't want that to be a possibility ever again.
I'm so sad. I don't want a body anymore.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Fall. Is there anything better?
Ok maybe that's a little untrue. But just barely.
Fall means sunny crisp days, sweaters, boots, football, beautiful turning leaves, MY BIRTHDAY, apples . . .
I'm in the kitchen making Applesauce Cookies with homemade applesauce... I'm so excited about it I had to write this while it's happening.
This beautiful little jar of love is from the Olsens, who I've known since I was a little girl. They are so wonderful and so supportive. They even gave me a key to their house incase I ever need to get away, or want to use their double oven. And they provide me with wonderful fresh ingredients.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Our friendship was immediate. It was like finding a soul mate. I think my spirit recognized hers. We have been through so many things together. . .
The birth of her son, Kolter. My godson.
For the last two weeks they've been letting me use one of their cars because mine dies at random times. I've had a billion things to do: doctor appointents, meetings with SS, etc. Using that car has been a lifesaver. Plus it's Lindsey's old car, and I'm flooded with good memories when I drive it. (two words: Airheads Roadtrip).
. . . but that's a story for another blog. .
So I wanted to make them SOMETHING. They're hard to bake for sometimes, not because they're picky, but because they eat SUPER healthy 99.999999% of the time. . . So I decided (since they're not huge into sweets, and they're close friends who will forgive me if I give them something gross) to try something new. A shortbread dough pressed into mini-muffin cups, with a custard-type filling, chocolate and peanut butter chips, and topped with the same. VOILA. Peanut Butter and Chocolate cookie cups.
AKA pop-over cookies.