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Saturday, September 29, 2012

Dirt.

Today I woke up and decided to make cinnamon rolls for my friend Julian and my family. Julian does hair. He is amazing. And he colored my hair yesterday FOR FREE. So that when I go to treatment I can feel pretty. I love that he gets how important that can be. I know I'm already going to feel large, uncomfortable, and ugly during this process. I love that I won't have to worry about watching my roots grow out.

ANYWAY. I made cinnamon rolls and it was lovely. They're fun to make. You get to punch dough and cinnamon smells like heaven.
 
Plus, look how pretty!

After I did that I was feeling super anxious. I found out this morning that Avalon Hills WON'T TAKE ME WITHOUT INSURANCE. Even after they said they would. Apparently they can't take someone with a "weak heart" unless they have insurance. Cool. So we're back to figuring out where I'm going. Probably Center for Change or Remuda Ranch. I scheduled assessment intakes with both of them for Tuesday. So stay turned.

Anyway. . . after I formed the cinnamon roll dough I needed to keep busy waiting for it to raise. I wanted to work out so badly. But I'm not medically cleared to, so I cleaned. I wanted to bake something else and I was thinking about what people like. And then I thought to myself,
"Self, what do YOU want to make?"
. . . I don't ask myself that very often. I usually decide what to bake based on what is easiest or what someone likes or what will make people happy. But what did I want to make? . . . Looking around the kitchen I saw these beautiful carrots. My friend Mariana works at Oxford Farms and brought me a "share" box full of amazing vegetables.

Honestly, there are some vegetables that I won't eat. Carrots are one of them. But I used to love carrot cake. I smiled SO BIG. CARROT CAKE WITH FRESH ORGANIC CARROTS. SO fresh that they were still dirty. How could something with dirt on it be scary?

It was like a reminder that food can be beautiful. That it's a gift from God and the Earth to sustain and nourish us. Yes, I got all that from dirt on a carrot.

And the little muffins are cute too.
And not dirty. Because I washed the carrots. Just saying. . . 

1 comment:

  1. Hi, Camilla! I have been reading your blog for a while now and wanted to tell you a few things. First, thank you for being so open about your journey. I struggled for years with binge eating and bulimia and it's so hard when no one understands what you are going through.

    Next, I know someone who went to Remuda Ranch and had a very successful recovery. One of my relatives also used to work there. I hope that it works out for you but if not Remuda, somewhere else. God has a plan!

    Third, I get what you mean about baking. Whenever I wanted to purge or binge and I was in therapy remembering what I wasn't supposed to do....I baked for my friends and family. It was awesome and a relaxation technique that I have no clue how it works. Keep doing it!

    You are beautiful and I pray that you will be able to get into treatment soon!!

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