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Wednesday, August 8, 2012

I Need Residential Treatment.

"Camilla, you need to be in a residential treatment center."
--paraphrased statement from people at Opal, current therapist, Utah therapists, primary physician, nutritionist, my family, some close friends.

Right now I know they're right.
Right now, if i could, I would get in my car and check myself into the nearest facility.


I am addicted to exercise. I use it as a way to purge. If you've never been addicted to anything, you can't understand. It hurts. Everything inside of me needs to go work out. I'm shaking. I feel like I can't breathe. IT. HURTS. My heart is going to explode. I feel totally insane. Like I'm not even present in the world, I'm somewhere else.

Tonight I ate a piece of pizza. I was proud of myself for eating a "fear food." And now I can't even think clearly because I just want to go work it off. This post might not make sense. I'm sobbing. My skin hurts.

Sometimes it's so bad that I feel like I need to be restrained. I've been at the gym before working out, sobbing because I'm so tired. Because I want to leave but I CAN'T. I've had a dear friend come to my gym and carry me out crying at 1am. It was humiliating. But at the same time, he was my hero in that moment.

Remember that snow storm we had in January? I couldn't get anywhere because my car was stuck. You'd think that would prevent me from running, right? Right?? WRONG. There goes Camilla running down the street in a foot of snow. In her snow boots. With her purse. Like a crazy person. Running in snow boots = bad blisters. Bloody feet. Did that stop me? NOPE.

Like I said, I need to be restrained.
This isn't joyful. It's not something I enjoy anymore. It's something I HATE. But I HAVE TO DO IT. I WILL GET FAT IF I DON'T. I WILL BE LIKE EVERY OTHER FAILURE IF I STOP.

I'm in pain right now. My heart and mind hurt. My body hurts because I already went to the gym for 4 hours today. But it still doesn't feel like enough. My heart is racing. What do you do when exercise is your drug of choice?? Most addiction groups I've been to suggest EXERCISE as an alternative to your addiction. . . so where does that leave me? Shaking and pacing around my house.

"Camilla, why don't you try reading a book? Take a bath? Paint your nails? Watch a movie??"
When an addict is going through withdrawals it's IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT STILL!! I clean. I pace. I shake and cry. I can't breathe. I'm frantic. And eventually I give in...

If I could I would check myself in to a treatment facility tonight. Because I can't do this anymore. My heart is getting weak. I have low bone density. . I'm sick. I'm exhausted.

But this is why I won't. . .

According to one study (Frisch et al., 2006), the average length of stay in a residential treatment center for an eating disorder is 83 days. That’s nearly 3 months of full-time, round-the-clock treatment and care. The cost for such care? On average, it’s $956 per day. You read that right — nearly $1,000/day is the average cost for such care. That means a single patient at such a treatment center is bringing in, on average, $79,348.

And that was 6 years ago.
Some days on my way to the gym I cry and  I pray I'll get in an accident. Then I won't be able to move and I wouldn't be tormented by this.


  1. If you get injured and can't move it would probably not solve the problem. You know that it's in your head. Fear of failure horrifies you and you know there is something you are in control of, which is weight. Unfortunately, you lost control of it. Oh fat people, they are happy. Or should I say "we are happy". To you I'm a fat girl too. Don't worry in Ukraine I'm considered chubby as well :)
    I bet a million people told you that your weight has nothing to do with success but you have already made up your mind.
    I don't know your dreams and desires but I'm guessing you want the same things that girls do - a husband and kids, lovely home and maybe a job. Or maybe you used to want to travel. And you will succeed. If you had a chance to get a patriarchal blessing read it again, please.
    I assume you've been hurt before very deeply. At the same time you said you've been struggling with eating disorder for 18 years. Girl, I don't know how old you are but you must have been very very young. I'm sure your psychiatrist have explained you the reasons you are suffering. You shouldn't be hard on yourself and it's time to let the past go. Unfortunately, agoraphobia only complicates things. I really hope that you understand that I'm writing all of this because I care about you. You don't have to go through this by yourself. We all love you

  2. You may also delete my messages. I just want to hear you and to show you that I understand. Maybe I wasn't successful to show that. All I'm saying is, let's find a way together

  3. I don't think you're fat or chubby at all. AT ALL. I see you as smaller than I am. But that's not really the issue. . . I don't know what my problem is. I just hate everything.

  4. Oh, I've just been reading a lot about eating disorder and I thought people who suffer this disease see normal size people as fat. I guess I was wrong. See, you teach me stuff :)

  5. Well I'm sure it's different for everyone. Sometimes I think people on TV are fat. i don't know if they really are or not.I honestly don't pay much attention to other people, I'm in my own little world.

  6. My dad is a psychologist who owns & operates youth residential treatment centers, and he also does adult group therapy. Do you mind if I ask him about financial resources specific to your situation? He's based out of Oregon, so he may have some connections in your area. (Why didn't I think of that before?) My heart just aches for you, Camilla. You're in my continued prayers.

  7. I'm sorry milla :( I really don't know what to say because I don't know what this addiction is like but I love you and I know you are trying your best, my heart hurts to know my awesome friend feels this way, but I just want you to know that I love you and I am always here for you! :)

  8. Dear Camilla,

    A friend of mine forwarded this blog to me this morning in the hopes that I would have some advice for you. I, myself was in PHP in Denver this time last year for anorexia. My goal in this stage of my recovery is to help others with eating disorders. I applaud you for being so real and honest about your struggles. The more people who talk about this, the more others will understand and the less stigma there will eventually be. I understand first hand how frustrating the disease and paying to treat the disease can be. My husband and I are thousands of dollars in debt due to this! First off, do you happen to have health insurance coverage? Second, have you looked into any financial aid? There are funds, usually set up by families of people who have struggled or people who have recovered. Sometimes there are scholarships that can help with the ridiculously high cost of treatment. Also many places will work with patients to reduce the cost (financial hardship) or set up payment plans. Our balance was reduced to half at ERC because we qualified for financial hardship. It was actually cheaper for me to be in PHP than what I have to pay now in out-patient treatment! Here is a website with a few links and if you do some searching on the web you might find even more resources. Remember this: YOU ARE WORTH THE TIME. YOU ARE WORTH THE EXPENSE. YOU ARE THE BEST INVESTMENT! Take good care and please let me know if I can help you in any other way.

    -Kristy Butler