"Camilla, you need to be in a residential treatment center."--paraphrased statement from people at Opal, current therapist, Utah therapists, primary physician, nutritionist, my family, some close friends.
Right now I know they're right.
Right now, if i could, I would get in my car and check myself into the nearest facility.
I am addicted to exercise. I use it as a way to purge. If you've never been addicted to anything, you can't understand. It hurts. Everything inside of me needs to go work out. I'm shaking. I feel like I can't breathe. IT. HURTS. My heart is going to explode. I feel totally insane. Like I'm not even present in the world, I'm somewhere else.
Tonight I ate a piece of pizza. I was proud of myself for eating a "fear food." And now I can't even think clearly because I just want to go work it off. This post might not make sense. I'm sobbing. My skin hurts.
Sometimes it's so bad that I feel like I need to be restrained. I've been at the gym before working out, sobbing because I'm so tired. Because I want to leave but I CAN'T. I've had a dear friend come to my gym and carry me out crying at 1am. It was humiliating. But at the same time, he was my hero in that moment.
Remember that snow storm we had in January? I couldn't get anywhere because my car was stuck. You'd think that would prevent me from running, right? Right?? WRONG. There goes Camilla running down the street in a foot of snow. In her snow boots. With her purse. Like a crazy person. Running in snow boots = bad blisters. Bloody feet. Did that stop me? NOPE.
Like I said, I need to be restrained.
This isn't joyful. It's not something I enjoy anymore. It's something I HATE. But I HAVE TO DO IT. I WILL GET FAT IF I DON'T. I WILL BE LIKE EVERY OTHER FAILURE IF I STOP.
I'm in pain right now. My heart and mind hurt. My body hurts because I already went to the gym for 4 hours today. But it still doesn't feel like enough. My heart is racing. What do you do when exercise is your drug of choice?? Most addiction groups I've been to suggest EXERCISE as an alternative to your addiction. . . so where does that leave me? Shaking and pacing around my house.
"Camilla, why don't you try reading a book? Take a bath? Paint your nails? Watch a movie??"
If I could I would check myself in to a treatment facility tonight. Because I can't do this anymore. My heart is getting weak. I have low bone density. . I'm sick. I'm exhausted.
But this is why I won't. . .
According to one study (Frisch et al., 2006), the average length of stay in a residential treatment center for an eating disorder is 83 days. That’s nearly 3 months of full-time, round-the-clock treatment and care. The cost for such care? On average, it’s $956 per day. You read that right — nearly $1,000/day is the average cost for such care. That means a single patient at such a treatment center is bringing in, on average, $79,348.
And that was 6 years ago.
Some days on my way to the gym I cry and I pray I'll get in an accident. Then I won't be able to move and I wouldn't be tormented by this.