I hate brownies.
OK that was a short story. . .
I don't really have a reason to hate them, except they taste terrible. That's a good reason I think.
I remember coming home as a child and smelling divine smells coming from the kitchen, running in there to see what was cookin' and being SO disappointed when it was . . . brownies. Ugh. I can't even write about them. They shouldn't even be a THING.
My eating disorder loves that I hate them.
Anyway, I hate brownies, I used love cheesecake. So I decided to make cheesecake brownies. Something about combining something I love with something I hate is very satisfying. Pairing cheesecake with brownies made the cheesecake feel "safe" (i.e. I'm not tempted to eat it) And putting cheesecake over brownies made the brownies seem like a tolerable food.
I made two batches. Here they are before going into the oven. . .
Later that night I delivered some truffles for a bridal shower.
I think I'm becoming the Truffle Lady.
Seriously, how cute is she?
My anxiety kept me up until 7am, and I woke up at 10. Knowing I had to deliver the cheesecake brownies was freaking me out and I couldn't fall back to sleep. And then a friend texted me about ordering cookies. So I got up and started baking. Again..Chocolate Chip, those PB stuffed Chocolate Cookies from the other day Applesauce Cookies with Carmel Frosting (a new favorite, adapted from this recipe).
I reduced the sugar and didn't use butter. Just to make them a little healthier. Also, it should be noted that if you live in Seattle and use a recipe that originated in Utah, you'll almost always need to tweak it. The humidity, the altitude, it all changes things.
I was like a little tornado in the kitchen. The combination of no sleep, baking, and my eating disorder made me a little nutty.I was super focused and super distracted at the same time. . . focused on baking in general, but changing which cookie I was attending to. It was exhausting.
When I was done I sat down and cried.
And then I went to the gym. Because I HAD to.
So today I took a break from the bake. Because that nearly killed me. It didn't feel good. It hurt. This project isn't supposed to hurt like that.