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Thursday, July 12, 2012

. . . Until It Wasn't.

The thing about being anorexic and loving to bake is it can go from joyous to torturous in half a heart beat. And for no apparent reason.
That happened tonight.

My sister's boss requested oatmeal chocolate chip cookies on Tuesday, and today I felt like that was doable  so I promised to bring 2 dozen for him tomorrow. On facebook I "advertised" that I had an additional 4 dozen available (feeling ambitions and optimistic, I guess) and three more people signed up for cookies. I got home and started baking. It was lovely for a minute, until it wasn't. I don't know what changed or when, but at one point I had to remove myself from the kitchen and do a myriad of other things. Wash my hair. Fold laundry. Scrub the floors. My heart felt like it was going to explode and I couldn't process what was happening, I just knew I couldn't touch the food anymore. I hate that. I miss the days when I could be in the kitchen making anything and everything and feel joy! Or even indifference. Anything is better then the paralyzing anxiety I felt tonight.

**When baking, laundry, and hair washing combine. . . it's like the perfect storm. Stylish.**

I'm hoping that as I push through and just DO IT, food will get progressively less scary and the fun will come back into my culinary world.

When my little brother got home I made him eat a cookie to make sure they were ok. I'm not at a place where I can do that yet, so I usually have him taste things. He always says my stuff is "bomb." Adjective, not noun. And that usually makes me so happy to hear. Tonight I just felt guilty. Guilty for making him eat a cookie: something I can't even do. It almost felt like asking someone to ingest poison on my behalf.

Anyway. . . I did it, at least. 5 dozen cookies completed.

1 comment:

  1. Hi from France !

    I read your blog since one hour. The fact that I know your website comes from a "" article about you, a French translation of your "Komo4News" interview.

    Your story looks like mine. Me too, I started baking when I was anorexic.
    The difference is I bake healthy cakes, flans, cookies and others. I bake for diabetic people. Because eat like a diabetic person is good for health. When I eat them (once or twice a week, no more), I don't feel any consequence on my body.
    Sugar free baking is possible.

    I suggest to you that you should look for healthy ingredients.
    As a source of inspiration, as a present for you, I share my website :

    I'm sorry, it's written in French ! Then, sorry if my English's bad. If needed, you can contact me from this blog.

    Be the force with you.