I am so grateful for the people who ask me to bake for them. SO GRATEFUL. So I apologize if this post seems ungrateful in any way.
Tonight was a battle. Not a struggle. A BATTLE.
Yesterday I told my friend I'd make cookie dough truffles, and I felt fine. I was totally confident. I made the dough without issue. Pasteurized the egg (to make it safe), mixed the dough, rolled little truffle balls, put them in the freezer. . . no big deal.
And then tonight I had to cover them in chocolate and decorate them . . .
The thing about baking is you put everything together, stick it in the oven and walk away. You can't do that with truffles. You have to be there and aware THE WHOLE TIME. You have to make sure the chocolate doesn't burn. You have to make sure the candies you've dipped are solidifying, but not before you decorate them. And you have to decorate them. There is so much awareness required. So much handling of ingredients. I could feel myself falling apart about 4 truffles in. I didn't want the chocolate on my fingers. I didn't want to smell it. I started crying. My mom woke up and came downstairs to find me sitting on the floor trying to breathe. It was a full panic attack. I thought my heart was going to explode, I was terrified. Terrified of chocolate, and that I'd somehow lose control and binge on it. That it would somehow seep through my pores and make me fat without my consent. Chocolate Rape. An irrational fear, but so very real for me.
Once I calmed down enough to think clearly, I was so ashamed. Why is this so hard for me? Why is food so scary?
My mom stayed up and helped me cover the truffles so I wouldn't have to touch the chocolate. I don't think they turned out as pretty as they could have, simply because my fear was so intense I just wanted to finish them as quickly as possible. My muscles were so tense during the process that it feels like I was hit by a car.
I don't think truffles will be on the menu for a while.
Now I'm feeling conflicting things: I'm proud that I powered through and did what I comitted to do. I'm sad that it was so difficult. I'm angry at myself for not being stronger. I'm relieved that I didn't give up. And I'm THANKFUL for a patient mother who understood what I needed and was willing to help me without trivializing my fear. How I love my angel mother.
And now, allow me to introduce my arch nemesis. The Cookie Dough Truffle. You are Sauron to my Middle Earth.