I'm not sure I really know...
BUT I think it's because the last time I was really sick (and to be clear, I'm sick now, but NOTHING like when I started this blog) I went through everything very publicly and it ended up being . . . I don't want to say dishonest, but maybe insincere? Not authentic. I recently re-watched my CFC exit interview with Candace Madsen on KSL Channel 5. I told her how many times I wanted to quit, but that people had followed and read and checked up and sent support and that, "I had an audience, and it wasn't just about me."
I look back at my time at CFC and remember how I felt versus what I said and did, and they were not congruent. Some days I felt ok, but I'm not sure I ever really wanted to be there. I'm not sure I ever in my deepest heart wanted recovery. I still craved my eating disorder. I engaged in it when I could. I never wanted to let anyone down. My family or friends. But I never ever wanted recovery for ME. And that's the only way recovery works.
I'm afraid to appear selfish, more selfish than I already have, when I say this. I did that to appease other people. I started the blog so my family and friends would see me "trying" and stop nagging me about baking so much and not getting better. I didn't expect to raise enough money for inpatient treatment. And then I did.
So I went.
And I didn't want to.
And most of the time I was there I wasn't honest about my feelings because I was aware that I had an audience, and ashamed of my true love for the eating disorder. I didn't want to let you all down. I still don't. But the truth is that sometimes people disappoint us, and right now, that's me. I've disappointed a lot of people, and I'm sorry. That's not to say I'm not grateful for people's generosity. I'm floored by it. Stunned. Because my life is not worth that kind of altruism.
I'm trying to be more private this time around. Maybe privacy will help me get better. Maybe it won't and I'll stay in this mindset where I want my eating disorder more than a career or a life or a love or children. Because honestly that's where I am right now. Honestly.
And here's one of my favorite recipes, because you deserve at least that much from me.
Roll dough on flooured surface or between two pieces of wax paper, about 1/4 inch
Cut whatever shapes you like!
Place on ungreased cookie sheet lined with parchment paper (not essential, but the cookies will look prettier)
Sprinkle with sugar (raw sugar looks really pretty)
Bake 10-14 minutes at 350--watch to make sure they don't get brown.
Sorry this isn't super exact. I kind of eyeball things. . . It should look like something between sugar cookie dough and shortbread.
I'm going to start posting more recipes I think.... Next time it will either be orange glazed mini muffins, or lavender vanilla shortbread. <3