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Friday, April 18, 2014

Please Do Not Disturb.

It seems I've hung a metaphorical Do Not Disturb sign around my blog/my life. And let me tell you why.
I'm not sure I really know...
BUT I think it's because the last time I was really sick (and to be clear, I'm sick now, but NOTHING like when I started this blog) I went through everything very publicly and it ended up being . . . I don't want to say dishonest, but maybe insincere? Not authentic. I recently re-watched my CFC exit interview with Candace Madsen on KSL Channel 5. I told her how many times I wanted to quit, but that people had followed and read and checked up and sent support and that, "I had an audience, and it wasn't just about me." 

I look back at my time at CFC and remember how I felt versus what I said and did, and they were not congruent. Some days I felt ok, but I'm not sure I ever really wanted to be there. I'm not sure I ever in my deepest heart wanted recovery. I still craved my eating disorder. I engaged in it when I could. I never wanted to let anyone down. My family or friends. But I never ever wanted recovery for ME. And that's the only way recovery works.

I'm afraid to appear selfish, more selfish than I already have, when I say this. I did that to appease other people. I started the blog so my family and friends would see me "trying" and stop nagging me about baking so much and not getting better. I didn't expect to raise enough money for inpatient treatment. And then I did.
So I went.
And I didn't want to.
And most of the time I was there I wasn't honest about my feelings because I was aware that I had an audience, and ashamed of my true love for the eating disorder. I didn't want to let you all down. I still don't. But the truth is that sometimes people disappoint us, and right now, that's me. I've disappointed a lot of people, and I'm sorry. That's not to say I'm not grateful for people's generosity. I'm floored by it. Stunned. Because my life is not worth that kind of altruism.

I'm trying to be more private this time around. Maybe privacy will help me get better. Maybe it won't and I'll stay in this mindset where I want my eating disorder more than a career or a life or a love or children. Because honestly that's where I am right now. Honestly.

And here's one of my favorite recipes, because you deserve at least that much from me.



Roll dough on flooured surface or between two pieces of wax paper, about 1/4 inch
Cut whatever shapes you like! 
Place on ungreased cookie sheet lined with parchment paper (not essential, but the cookies will look prettier)
Sprinkle with sugar (raw sugar looks really pretty)
Bake 10-14 minutes at 350--watch to make sure they don't get brown.
Sorry this isn't super exact. I kind of eyeball things. . . It should look like something between sugar cookie dough and shortbread.  
ENJOY!!
I'm going to start posting more recipes I think.... Next time it will either be orange glazed mini muffins, or lavender vanilla shortbread. <3

Monday, January 20, 2014

REAL Women Have Curves, REAL Men Love Curves

Bullshit. REAL women have two X chromosomes. REAL men love whatever the hell they want! I've had surreal experiences but have never actually met an UNREAL person; THAT would be a good blog entry...
I'm going chastise my own self here, feel free to insert your name.
Camilla, your quest for self-esteem would be shorter and smoother if you didn't let it be derailed by the mountainous piles of people you scrutinize to determine whether you are "more" or "less" than they are in any given area.
They cool. You cool. We cool.  Let's walk together and bask in our mutual but different coolness. It sounds more fun. And less lonely. Plus diversity is so much more interesting.

(Random aside: Writing this has brought to mind that yogurt commercial,
"In a perfect world, every man would look like John Stamos..." 
...
Now I like uncle Jesse but I also cannot emphasize enough how much I adore living in a realm where I can easily distinguish my boyfriend from my Dad, my brothers, and members of the clergy.)

And now. Pictures to make you laugh.





Tuesday, January 14, 2014

For Mothers: You're Amazing

I don't have children, but I know and love a lot of people who do. One of my dearest friends is the mother of three beautiful girls; girls who know that who they are is pretty fantastic. 
Didn't we all start out that way? 
Excuse my language, but I know for a fact that three-year-old Camilla KNEW she was the shi*. I was adored my parents and Brother and aunts and grandparents; to the point that my little baby-mind thought, "I appear to be some kind of Goddess. Excellent." But along the way I was taught something different. Something maybe less true.
I wanted to share these articles written by mommas that illustrate beautifully the fears I have about pregnancy, and having children (especially girls) in this world. What will it do to my body? Will I be unattractive? How can I protect my daughters from the lying media? From this disease?
I've become annoyed reading/seeing/hearing about celebrity "bodies after baby." Stories that perpetuate the lie that there's something wrong or ruined about a post-partum bod. Like Kate Middleton wasn't stunningly gorgeous after she was delivered.
Like getting induced simply to avoid stretch marks is totally normal behavior (as are 1200 calories a day/4 hour daily workouts/personal chefs/personal trainers). When I was a young woman I overheard a friend of my mom's saying that she and her husband saw her stretch marks as "sacred." Concrete and physical evidence that she her child had lived inside her; that they both had experienced something divine in bringing a spirit child of God into the human world. This article ("Babies Ruin Bodies") reminded me of that.
There are probably no tried and true methods to ensure our girls won't struggle with body image... I don't remember my mom really talking about her body or food very much, and yet I still learned to loathe my curves. I'm grateful that recently actresses like Annasophia Robb and Jennifer Lawrence (ok, ok . . . Even the Kardashian sisters...) are popular--yes they're thin, but also so much stronger-looking than the waifish women I wanted to look like. 
When I read this,
"13 years ago, when the ultrasound technician turned to me and said, “It’s a girl,” my first thoughts weren’t rose-colored feminine fantasies of toddler tea parties and tutus, they were panicked premonitions of passing on my own permanently warped body image and twisted eating habits." I thought, yes. This is one of my greatest fears and I don't even have children. I fear it for my future kids, my friends' kids, my cousins, and pretty much every little girl I ever see. I just pray they don't have these demons.... I loved this woman's outlook. She can't do everything, but she can accept herself. Even if it's hard. For her daughter. ("I Gained 10 Pounds So My Daughter Won't Hate Herself")
I really wasn't expecting to write this much, I just wanted to share these articles (and putting them on here means I'll be able to find them again...). 
Fight the good fight. 


Friday, January 10, 2014

What's Your Lowest Weight?

Today the eating disorder is being very competitive and very loud. I am grossed out by my reflection; the woman, or rather the body, I see in my mind's eye contrasts so sharply with the androgynous, skeletal frame and sunken eyes that stare at me from the glass. When I bathe I feel papery skin against sharp bone where my brain expects there to be soft pillowy flesh. Am I dreaming or hallucinating?
I have lunch with my mom, successfully finishing and keeping my meal, but freezing the entire time. The waiter asks to take my coat and I decline. I'm wearing three t-shirts, a blouse, a denim jacket, and a down-filled coat; still I'm freezing and ask for a mug of hot water. (Later, dietician will criticize my choice as being "too artificially filling.") Mom eats the soup and salad the Disorder tells her to order. I am dying to have a lighthearted, normal meal, but instead nearly cry, and change my mind three or four times before settling on eggplant (later, dietician will scold my "safe food" choice.) Mom smiles encouragingly. She tells me I've gained a bit of weight since being home. I've weighed myself this morning and know that's true... But barely. I smile in what feels like a hideously strained manner as panic erupts inside me. Do I look bigger? I don't care. But I kind of do. But not really.
I just want to have lunch with my mom!
And here I am now, tired. Stomach full of eggplant, bread, and hot water with lemon. Wondering the lowest weight of people I've been to treatment with, friends, family members, celebrities... Anyone. I'm dying to know. My disorder is dying to know, "am I as good at this as you are? Am I sick enough to count? Am I as thin as she was?" It's all I can do to not ask...
I really want to ask...

Friday, December 13, 2013

Up Off the Housetop. Camilla Falls...

Texted to me by my dad when I was in the hospital after falling off our roof hanging Christmas Lights. Then I sang it to my mom and our nurses. I cracked up. A lot. Because it's funny, but also because of the drugs. . .  
She’s Not St. Nick: Revolutionary ConTEXTing Poem

Sung to the tune of “Up On the House Top”

Down off the house top my daughter falls./
She thought she was Santa Claus./
Now she is feeling not so great./
Her femur and pelvis will get a plate./
Oh oh oh! Watch her go!/
Oh oh oh! Watch her go./
Down off the house top slick slick slip!/
Too bad she’s not made like St. Nick!
***
I've gotten some emails. Some people are mad, some are worried. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be evasive or aloof.... I don't know what to say. I haven't been well and I'm ashamed.  I'm 87 lbs, I was trying to deal with that. I came home to Seattle in the hopes of finding a place near home to help me gain weight safely. But instead I'm at Harborview medical center because I love Christmas lights, but also because I have zero padding. And my pelvis is allergic to 9 foot falls and pavement.
 I was lucky to have absolutely wonderful nurses and X-ray techs and doctors and PT's and social workers. I really felt cared about. I'm so thankful for people who choose and are able to do this kind of work. 
Angel Mother. Angel. 
 Post-Surgery Selfie. Oh Dilaudid. It's weird...
This is about 8" long and it feels like angel kisses. Ha

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Happy Halloween!!

It's the last day of the month. And this means it's Halloween and ALSO the last day to donate to Beckham's Battle! I'm happy to report we have raised $1,237.11!! I'm so happy and so thankful to everyone who donated. So far...
Also if you've not yet received cookies (Andrew, Erin, Nic, Cody, Jenica) please remember to let me know what kind you want and where to send them!

You can still bid/donate! Just click any donate button on this site (keep reading... There's one coming up.

Beckham is bravely fighting stage 4 neuroblastoma.
All proceeds from this auction and donations made on this blog will go to Beckham and his family.

Read his story here..

The winner of this auction will receive a batch (about 2-3 dozen) of the cookies of their choice from the cookie menu (or see below)

Bidding starts at $20, all proceeds go to Beckham's medical expenses!
Place bids in comment section below, bidding ends at 9 pm pacific time
To contribute without bidding, click the "donate" button above or here:
******************************
Hooray! 
You won the cookie auction for Beckham! Please select the type of cookie you'd like from the menu below 
(Menu was chosen based on how well cookies can travel....)
 Andes Mint Chip
 Chocolate Pudding with White Chocolate Chips
 Oatmeal White Chocolate Blueberry
 Chocolate pudding with Chocolate Chips
 PeanutButter-filled Chocolate
 Chocolate Chip
 Oatmeal Raisin
 Peanut Butter Candy Cookies

 Chocolate Pudding with Peanut Butter Chips
Lemon-Thyme Shortbread
Oatmeal Butterscotch (can be gluten free)
>

Friday, October 25, 2013

EVERYONE GETS COOKIES! (Round II)

In honor of my sister's 26th birthday...

EVERYONE who donates at least $26 to BECKHAM'S BATTLE 
WILL. GET. COOKIES!
No bidding necessary, just click one of the many donate buttons on this page (like this one...)
... and send a mailing address to me at camilla.kuhns@gmail.com!
*If you don't have PayPal, no worries!!*
We hit $1,000 last week, but I want this to keep going!! Right now we're at $1,030!!
If you've placed a bid, but not yet paid, please do so by the end of the month!
Everything donated this month is going to sweet Beckham's treatment.
Read his story here.

******************************
Hooray! 
You won the cookie auction for Beckham! Please select the type of cookie you'd like from the menu below 
(Menu was chosen based on how well cookies can travel....)
 Andes Mint Chip
 Chocolate Pudding with White Chocolate Chips
 Oatmeal White Chocolate Blueberry
 Chocolate pudding with Chocolate Chips
 Chocolate Chip
 Oatmeal Raisin
 Chocolate Pudding with Peanut Butter Chips
Lemon-Thyme Shortbread
Oatmeal Butterscotch (can be gluten free)